Changes

t’s been some time since I made any attempt at writing in this thing. I have been thinking how it would be nice to not have to have this thing to upkeep, though it would still be nice to have a place to write something when I feel like it. At this point, I don’t really know what it’s purpose is. My life is documented here. My whole person is documented. You want to hear my music? You want to look at my old artwork? You want to know anything about me? You want to know what I was doing this week 5 years ago? It’s all here on this site. But I don’t know why anymore. I’m changing.

I have made a habit of getting involved with web projects that require my attention and I just don’t really want to do it anymore. Even the newest thing, hiddeninthesand.com, requires me to update the Tally Hall news whenever something notable occurs. They’ve added new tour dates… but I don’t feel like updating the news. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s not because I have lost any love for the band. I just don’t want to have these internet responsibilities anymore. But I’m a little tied down to it. For now, at least. I’m changing.

Last night I went out
1) by myself
2) to a bar
3) in center city
4) to meet with a group of people I’ve never met face to face before.
The people on the Kidd Chris Show message board put together a little meet-up thing at a bar in the city. They were having karaoke. And since I love karaoke and I’ve become somewhat of a regular on the board, I found my way there. It was a great time. I’m thinking on it now and realized I definitely had fun and I’m reminded of many, many years growing up through adolescence having accepted the fact that I was not able to really have fun. I could name the times I had real, true fun on one hand. This period started from approximately 6th grade up until maybe 2 years ago or so. I had gotten used to thinking I just never had fun. I had good times, sure. But I often could not say I had FUN. I didn’t know what it was. I started thinking at one point during these years that I perhaps put this “fun” thing on too high a pedestal. Maybe I had expectations that could never be met. All I knew was that when I’d get home from a day or night out with friends, I never felt that delightful exhaustion from the events that just ended. This isn’t the case anymore. I didn’t just have fun last night, I’ve had quite a lot of nights and days that I thoroughly enjoyed. At some point, something happened that turned this switch on which allowed me to enjoy myself. I have a pretty good idea as to what changed me. I don’t think it’s even necessary to spell it out for you. If you think back to what happened 2.5 years ago, you’ll figure it out.

I’m changing.

I spent over 7 hours in the hospital Thursday night. After 48 hours of constant (sometimes very severe) pain in my upper abdomen, I went to the ER. I had bloodwork done to check my health, an EKG to check for a heart attack, chest X-rays to check for intestinal blockages, a CATscan to look for bloodclots, and none were able to diagnose the problem. I was sent home with an educational guess for a diagnosis. Somehow I damaged my interior chest cavity wall. I can’t imagine how that happened. But Friday and today the pain has finally started to drift off. At this hour, I’d say I’m about 95% recovered. I’ve been having more thoughts of quitting smoking after all this. I’m changing…

It’s June. It’s halfway through 2006, the year that would be full of change. Look back in my notes from late 2005 and you’ll see I could predict this. There’s a lot on the brink, still. I’m nervous at times because of this. I’d like to think I know what to expect but I just don’t. The world is expanding below my feet with every step I take. Inch by inch, foot by foot. It’s blank in front of me, but I’m still walking.