He Had A Lot To Say. He Had A Lot of Nothing To Say.

I’ve been trying to think of something else to write here on my blog before my time is up. If you missed my last post, I talked about how I was no longer a viable candidate for a heart transplant and there’s basically nothing I can do now. No options. Well, we’re seeking second and third opinions right now, but the chances are so very slim, I am not getting my hopes up in the least. Even my doctors aren’t expecting any other hospitals to say that I’d be considered for transplant anywhere else. So I’ve accepted this. Some people in my life still can’t accept that, though, which is the only reason why these other opinions are being sought.

i wanted to talk a little bit about how I’m feeling.

Emotionally I feel alright but that’s in my HEAD. The reality is, I’ve actually really started to feel the body deteriorate lately and it’s my HEART that is going to cease – and I suppose when it happens, It will happen suddenly. Or at least fairly quickly. For that reason, I’m actually scared to sleep.

You know… my doctor wrote in one of his reports that he only gives me until January 2022.*

But uh, yes… the deterioration is setting in quick. My bones, my muscles, my body is almost constantly in pain and I can’t do much for myself anymore. I’m lucky enough to have a couple people in my life to take care of my house, my cats, cook for me, and basically do everything for me.

*Oh! Maybe I’ll make it to 2/22/22! The number 222 has been my favorite number for many, many years and it would be quite weird if that number has always appealed to me because I was unknowingly predicting my own death date.

It’s important that you realize (or that I realize) how little time I have left, here. I don’t think it’s easy for people to really reconcile that idea with their view of how things are – and how things are, is not good.

Here’s what I have to say to the people in my life.

To my Tally Hall family:

I’m proud of the work I’ve done for the band and the fans. It has always brought me great pleasure. The band members have been really cool to me since day 1 and it never gets old. I’m very lucky in that regard. I am so, so, so very proud of them and I wish them continued success and hope that they do, at some point, release some more music or play a show or two. I hope everyone’s able to go. EVERYONE.

I’ve gotten to know so many fans over the years. They come and go — and that’s OK. Some of you have stuck around the whole time and you’re the GOAT. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’ve received immeasurable support and love from many of the newer fans. You’ve really made me feel special. I appreciate it and I wish you all a long and healthy life and that your generosity comes back to you 10-fold.

To my Marbles/Twitch family:

I know I haven’t been too active in chat and Discord recently, but don’t think for a second that I’m not there reading everything and keeping up with you all. I want to acknowledge all the people who have shown me support over the last couple years, especially after that near-death experience in May of 2020. You guys really went above and beyond to show me how much you cared. And I could never thank you enough for it.

To my theatre family:

Well, I lost most of my theatre family a number of years back, but those at the Village Players of Hatboro still continue to amaze me with their strength and ability to keep the theater going. I am sorry for those who I upset in the past, but I have no regrets. I wish things went differently, though. I missed many a good year hanging out and doing more acting because of the way things went down. But thank you for allowing me onto your stages and helping behind the scenes for as long as I did. Acting was the one passion I had that I wanted to pursue more than anything else. I’m grateful for the time I had doing it. For that reason, I chose the VPH as the place for my memorial to be held. Hopefully that plan will happen.

To my real life friends and family:

I’ve had this draft open for a couple weeks now and I just can’t think of anything to say. What’s wrong with me? Some of you have really stuck by me and done your best to make me as happy and comfortable as possible. Some of you offer empty words. Some of you have made things miserable. Some of you have done more than just one of those things. But I don’t want you wondering which group you’re a part of because in the end, none of that matters, really. For instance, I would be offering empty words to myself, too. I mean, how do you know what to say to someone who’s dying?

Some of you have not even acknowledged me or my situation since my last blog post and that’s the only thing that kind of hurts and confuses me. Maybe you don’t have “the spoons?” Maybe you don’t care (which is fine)? Whatever the reason, I hope you do better next time you’re faced with this situation with someone else.


In other news… I tried to pay enough advanced payments to my web host so that this site and hiddeninthesand.com will survive for 2 to 3 years after I die. So read up as much as you can and take what you want before then. They will not be around forever. Nothing ever is.

UPDATE: A couple friends have offered to take over the hosting costs for cozbaldwin.com and hiddeninthesand.com. They will live on for much longer, now! Thank you!

I don’t really have any parting words of wisdom, if that’s what you’re looking for. Except… be kind and be honest. Always. No matter the consequences. Your life will be much easier for it.

And remember! There is no god. 🙂

Coz

Create until nothing is left to create.

11 thoughts on “He Had A Lot To Say. He Had A Lot of Nothing To Say.

  • December 27, 2021 at 8:23 pm
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    Reading this genuinely hurt. I feel so terrible that things have to end this way. And I’m terribly sorry for you losing touch with some people you’re very close with like your theatre family, and I’m sorry that your close family have treated you so bad. I right now may even seem hollow, and I apologise if this comes across like that, however, ummm so proud for you and so so so thankful for all your work for the Tally Hall community, I do not know where we’d be without you. Stay strong, I hope you make it to 2/22/22, but I hope you don’t have to suffer to get to there, sometimes it’s worse to suffer but make it than to not suffer but not to make it. Stay strong man. I’m proud of you.

  • December 27, 2021 at 10:24 pm
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    Where would we be without you Coz?

    I feel terrible and I hope for you to get much better sooner, I hope that you defy all odds, I hope to see you happy and flourish and I hope that the word hope will be wrung dry of its meaning because that’s all we can do.

    Best of wishes Ren

  • December 27, 2021 at 10:43 pm
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    As I write this, my 73 year old husband of, let’s see, almost 37 years sits across from me enjoying the football game. He’s had a very rough road for the past two years and is I believe on the way to being as recovered as we can get him, which is well beyond what was expected. He’s had bleak prognosis several times, trust me. It’s another of his surprises to me, and I am grateful for them, every one. You, Coz Baldwin, have also surprised me many times. First when you welcomed me and our Miss America local titleholders to help at the Village Players, then as I got to know you a little better, I was surprised at some of your beliefs and habits and surprised to learn of the challenges in your life. Since then, you have amazed me at your ability to survive many challenges, no matter how long it took, no matter how much it would frustrate anyone else. Why such a kind, genuinely caring person find himself in this place and situation, truly baffles this devout little old lady, who has prayed and will continue to pray enough for you by name specifically, to probably cover any possibility that whenever it occurs, you discover an error in judgement about all that. I think most people want to help, I know that I do, and just don’t know what to do or say when they can’t think of anything to help. They just don’t want to cause any more harm. The whole 2/22/22 thing is interesting. There will be LOTS of weddings and scheduled birth inductions and c-sections that day, I know. It’s a very good goal to strive to get there and enjoy it. I am praying for whatever surprises are the best ones for you, you deserve them. And I am just gonna keep coming back and leaving you messages here on FB or this website too. More soon…..

  • December 28, 2021 at 9:02 am
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    I am deeply saddened to read this and at a loss for words. You are in my thoughts.

  • December 28, 2021 at 10:33 am
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    Thank you.

  • December 28, 2021 at 1:44 pm
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    Your update really hit my heart, Coz. I donated via your mom’s posting on nextdoor, so became aware of your plight through her. Missed your August update with the sad news. You’re one of a kind. I’m grateful for your Mom’s post, grateful for your music. “Be kind, be honest – whatever the cost” . So simple, so true. Thank you.

  • December 28, 2021 at 4:43 pm
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    Oh Coz, I never got to know you and that breaks my heart.

  • December 29, 2021 at 12:49 pm
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    There are so many things to say but the words are not readily found. What can be said to a dying man? That sucks? It truly does. It’s not fair. Not much is.

    Your music lives in my head and, while it’s not much, is shared with anyone who listens to me shower. I just played your CD for a friend who loved it.

    You are awesome. Knowing you is awesome.

    You are loved by so many.

  • January 5, 2022 at 12:11 pm
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    See you on the other side, amigo.

  • January 5, 2022 at 5:35 pm
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    So sorry, Carl. Will be keeping you in my thoughts. ❤️

  • January 17, 2022 at 7:42 pm
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    It was good to have known you so many years ago.

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