He Had A Lot To Say. He Had A Lot of Nothing To Say.

I’ve been trying to think of something else to write here on my blog before my time is up. If you missed my last post, I talked about how I was no longer a viable candidate for a heart transplant and there’s basically nothing I can do now. No options. Well, we’re seeking second and third opinions right now, but the chances are so very slim, I am not getting my hopes up in the least. Even my doctors aren’t expecting any other hospitals to say that I’d be considered for transplant anywhere else. So I’ve accepted this. Some people in my life still can’t accept that, though, which is the only reason why these other opinions are being sought.

i wanted to talk a little bit about how I’m feeling.

Emotionally I feel alright but that’s in my HEAD. The reality is, I’ve actually really started to feel the body deteriorate lately and it’s my HEART that is going to cease – and I suppose when it happens, It will happen suddenly. Or at least fairly quickly. For that reason, I’m actually scared to sleep.

You know… my doctor wrote in one of his reports that he only gives me until January 2022.*

But uh, yes… the deterioration is setting in quick. My bones, my muscles, my body is almost constantly in pain and I can’t do much for myself anymore. I’m lucky enough to have a couple people in my life to take care of my house, my cats, cook for me, and basically do everything for me.

*Oh! Maybe I’ll make it to 2/22/22! The number 222 has been my favorite number for many, many years and it would be quite weird if that number has always appealed to me because I was unknowingly predicting my own death date.

It’s important that you realize (or that I realize) how little time I have left, here. I don’t think it’s easy for people to really reconcile that idea with their view of how things are – and how things are, is not good.

Here’s what I have to say to the people in my life.

To my Tally Hall family:

I’m proud of the work I’ve done for the band and the fans. It has always brought me great pleasure. The band members have been really cool to me since day 1 and it never gets old. I’m very lucky in that regard. I am so, so, so very proud of them and I wish them continued success and hope that they do, at some point, release some more music or play a show or two. I hope everyone’s able to go. EVERYONE.

I’ve gotten to know so many fans over the years. They come and go — and that’s OK. Some of you have stuck around the whole time and you’re the GOAT. But that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’ve received immeasurable support and love from many of the newer fans. You’ve really made me feel special. I appreciate it and I wish you all a long and healthy life and that your generosity comes back to you 10-fold.

To my Marbles/Twitch family:

I know I haven’t been too active in chat and Discord recently, but don’t think for a second that I’m not there reading everything and keeping up with you all. I want to acknowledge all the people who have shown me support over the last couple years, especially after that near-death experience in May of 2020. You guys really went above and beyond to show me how much you cared. And I could never thank you enough for it.

To my theatre family:

Well, I lost most of my theatre family a number of years back, but those at the Village Players of Hatboro still continue to amaze me with their strength and ability to keep the theater going. I am sorry for those who I upset in the past, but I have no regrets. I wish things went differently, though. I missed many a good year hanging out and doing more acting because of the way things went down. But thank you for allowing me onto your stages and helping behind the scenes for as long as I did. Acting was the one passion I had that I wanted to pursue more than anything else. I’m grateful for the time I had doing it. For that reason, I chose the VPH as the place for my memorial to be held. Hopefully that plan will happen.

To my real life friends and family:

I’ve had this draft open for a couple weeks now and I just can’t think of anything to say. What’s wrong with me? Some of you have really stuck by me and done your best to make me as happy and comfortable as possible. Some of you offer empty words. Some of you have made things miserable. Some of you have done more than just one of those things. But I don’t want you wondering which group you’re a part of because in the end, none of that matters, really. For instance, I would be offering empty words to myself, too. I mean, how do you know what to say to someone who’s dying?

Some of you have not even acknowledged me or my situation since my last blog post and that’s the only thing that kind of hurts and confuses me. Maybe you don’t have “the spoons?” Maybe you don’t care (which is fine)? Whatever the reason, I hope you do better next time you’re faced with this situation with someone else.

---

In other news… I tried to pay enough advanced payments to my web host so that this site and hiddeninthesand.com will survive for 2 to 3 years after I die. So read up as much as you can and take what you want before then. They will not be around forever. Nothing ever is.

UPDATE: A couple friends have offered to take over the hosting costs for cozbaldwin.com and hiddeninthesand.com. They will live on for much longer, now! Thank you!

I don’t really have any parting words of wisdom, if that’s what you’re looking for. Except… be kind and be honest. Always. No matter the consequences. Your life will be much easier for it.

And remember! There is no god. 🙂