I was recently hospitalized for what was later diagnosed as gastritis. Though another doctor said it could be gastroparesis. Or both. Who knows. But the point is, I haven’t been able to fully recover from it yet and maybe I won’t. I can barely eat anything due to not having much of an appetite and will sometimes throw up what I do get down. I’m in constant discomfort from it. And it’s affecting my breathing because of the pain when inhaling, too. I feel like shit.
But I’m burying the lede, here. Because another thing they told me was that my heart failure has become very advanced. My weight has been steadily going up since January and it’s to the point now that the BMI is too high — amongst other silly reasons — to get the heart transplant.
Let me repeat: The heart transplant is no longer on the table.
In fact, in Penn Medicine’s opinion, there are no longer any options on the table for me.
Could I look into other health systems to get a second opinion? Yes. Will I? Not sure. But probably not.
That bag of medicine that is constantly being pumped into me that I must carry around usually means I have a 6-12 month life expectancy once one goes on it. I think I’m in month 8.
Long story short, I’m not sure I’ll see my next birthday (January 8th). I have to basically start getting my affairs in order, which I will be doing as soon as I process this. Though I may not ever fully process it so I’m forcing myself to do things like write this blog out. Perhaps my last blog ever.
So what does one say when they’re facing their own mortality; when they’re essentially a dead man walking? Because for now, I just wanted to get this out there and be done with it. So now you know. And now that I’ve gotten it out, I honestly don’t know what else to write. So… let’s see what comes out:
“Don’t worry, this’ll all be interesting when I’m dead.” is a tagline I put on this blog many years ago. I guess it’s time to prove that theory.
And I guess you can stop donating to my gofundme now. Though if you choose to continue, it will just go into a bank account my mom has access to. So maybe she’ll need a little bit, I don’t know.
Maybe I’ll be able to write another blog after I digest it all and be able to say all that is within me. But for now, a message to all the girls I’ve loved before: You all continue to have a special place in my heart. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. If I haven’t heard from you in awhile, it would be nice to hear from you now. But I’m not about to go chasing people who may or may not want to even hear from me.
Love is all that ever mattered to me. So this is what I wanted to say. This is all that’s on my mind; the ones I loved and lost.
Thank you to each and every single person who’s donated to me, shared my fundraiser link, sent cards, flowers, letters, gifts, thoughts, and yes, even prayers. I kind of feel like I’m letting you all down by not being able to get the transplant after all this. But the monetary donations literally helped save me from going homeless while I waited to get on Disability. So again, thank you. I don’t know if I deserve it, but, you gave anyway.
I’d also like to thank those who stuck around this last year and helped me out around the house. I could not have gotten through it without you.
Welp. That’s really all I can think of for now. Like I said, maybe there will be a part 2 to this blog with more thoughts and reflections. But for now… this is the end of the road for me.