There’s a lot of snow on the ground. It’s the weekend. My 5th day off in 10 days.
Day in and day out, I have found myself sitting here in my room during these days off. Nothing to do and nowhere to go. It’s not enough that the all too familiar feeling of depression is settling in but I can’t help but wonder if I’d feel better with friends to occupy my time. I would have never thought at nearly 24 years old, I’d still be suffering from this whole lack of friends issue.
From what I can tell, people tend to like me. I make people laugh. I give good advice and I help people feel better. I have had numerous women fall in love with me. Yet nothing lasts and I have to beg people to hang out with me.
I can’t define whether I’m living in a completely selfish world of people where no one is thinking of anyone but themselves and what they want to do… or if there’s really something wrong with me that does not make people desire to be around me. I feel like a god damned teenager again, going through all this in my head.
I just want to have a few friends that I can rely on to have some fun with. I would enjoy someone to call me up and say “hey, let’s go do this.” knowing that I would like what was being presented (as opposed to being called up and asked to go to some dance club or some place in the middle of the city I’d have to drive to). And if you’re going to love me, don’t leave me. I’m not referring to my latest “event” specifically, I’m talking about everyone else who left me just as love was blossoming. Just as things are getting good, the lights are turned out again. There’s a lot of snow on the ground and I’m reminded of a sweet girl I knew last year who helped me shovel out my car. We got to know each other and found there was some major potential there, but she had to end it before it began. I do miss her. I miss quite a few people.
I mean, why should I even have to explain what I need? This is normal stuff that everyone has. Granted, I know I’m picky with people I like and places I like, but seriously… I’m not THAT picky.
This cross I carry is quite a large one and the distance I carry it seems endless. I wish I had the courage to let it go.
So go on do your thing, live your life and keep faltering.
Turn the lights off, walk away, wave your hand and point my way.
Ignore the lyrics. They’re not my words anyway.
Light as a feather, flat as a pancake, floating off my tongue.
Weightless and hopeless, they tumble to the ground.
So much passion. I am asphyxiated.
I am turning blue — and being alternated.
What? Sorry… I lost my train of thought.
Here’s another doodle: “Invisibility“