March 2001 Archive

3.31.2001

12:32:13 AM

…and Blogger just finally had some upgrades done. I am currently very pleased with the results. Much faster!! Thanks, Ev!

::Coz::

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12:14:27 AM

Sorry about the lack of blogs. I went to The Lagoon on Thursday night and, well,… I’m still drunk.

Not really, but I never drank so much in such a short time. I missed work, but went in at 5 just to get some hours. I could just barely drive alright, even 15 hours after my last drink. This… I’m not proud of. This…. is not happening again, or if it is, I better have a goddamned good excuse for it and no work the next day. All because of this one girl. So beautiful. So graceful. So much like Niniane in so many ways. I had to meet her. But I was too shy. More alcohol!!!

Still too shy.

MORE ALCOHOL!

Nope… try again.

MORE ALCOHOL!

Ok, let’s go meet her. Wait, I need something in my hands….

MORE ALCOHOL!

Ok! Her name is Sara(h). She’s not being too receptive on the dancefloor. Hey! There she is at the bar getting a drink. Let’s go find out what’s up…

“I’m sorry I’m so drunk, is that why you’re not really into it?”

“Oh, no no… it’s ok. It is nice to meet you and all, BUT….. I’m engaged!”

So, I hugged her and apologized and told her she’s just the prettiest girl in the building. Then, I kept trying to dance with her still. I think when I was leaving, I hugged her again.

No I wasn’t driving. I met up with an old friend Jim Seaman, and he told me about Thursday nights at The Lagoon. Quarter drinks…. he told me he’ll bring me out and pay for my cover and alcohol. So, most of it was free, though I bought a few non-quarter drinks myself. So why not?

Ugh. I’m so ashamed. At least, if I gained something out of it, like that girl, then I’d feel a little better about it. But man, from now on, if I’m still too shy to talk to them…. oh – fucking – well.

::Coz::

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3.29.2001

1:13:25 AM

Thank you all SOOO much for joining me for Quizzo tonight. No, really… I appreciate it a lot. …….bastards. Not one of you. Not one!

Maybe I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and it was because of the lack of notice I gave. So here: Join me next Wednesday night at McGillicuddy’s for Quizzo. It’s free to play and you have chances of winning free pitchers of beer, gift certificates, and t-shirts. All for what??? Being an idiot savant. So c’mon… write me. Join me. Humor me.

::Coz::

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3.28.2001

12:51:41 AM

Wednesday night means Quizzo at McGillicuddy’s. This is an open invitation to anyone who would like to come out and join the team (I should say ‘create’ the team). Please email me and leave your phone number so I can contact you later tonight. It starts at 9:00 and there’s $5 Yuingling pitchers all night. There’s no fee to play, only to drink. I invite anyone and everyone to come. Guaranteed good time for all.

I suggest, though, emailing me at coz20@home.com just in case the stupid host is down again.

As far as today goes, I really didn’t do a thing. Back to work tomorrow. Gotta get to bed.

::Coz::

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3.27.2001

5:11:08 PM

Went to Gryphon last night. Didn’t see Alice, but her guy friend was there playing. I could make assumptions, but I’m not going to. It’s better she wasn’t there. It kind of finalizes things for me. I don’t have to worry about it anymore, not like I should have worried about it in the first place.

Sara and I rented and watched “Labyrinth” last night. Ohh, what a movie. It’s still as brilliant as ever. They don’t make movies like that anymore. Y’know… GOOD ones.

The host was down last night so I couldn’t publish this then. It really is getting a bit rediculous. I can’t care anymore. It’s too draining. The only thing I really don’t like about it is that I can’t access my coz@cozbaldwin.commail when it’s down. That is annoying.

::Coz::

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3.26.2001

3:42:34 PM

Maybe it’s a sub-conscious cry for help,

maybe it’s the fact that I’m not on Paxil anymore.

Whatever it is, I surely don’t do it to have people get sick of me.

Maybe I do want help. Maybe I do want some attention. Did you ever think of that? Maybe I don’t see what you do. Maybe I need your help… not your pity.

::Coz::

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3:27:42 PM

Uh, OK obviously something on here was posted that really struck a few nerves.

I can’t figure out what it is…. unless the 2001 theme just enstills a certain emotion in people and cause them to be at the end of their rope with me and my “whining”.

Peronsally, I don’t notice it. I’m just writing here to vent. What you see here is what you’d see in my brain if you opened it up. First, I’m not talking to anyone in this blog so nothing should be considered whining. Complaining, sure…. but wouldn’t you?

If I was your average, popular, good-looking guy and I was saying all this THEN I would expect some hostility. But, really… What I say about my life in here is completely true.

No, I don’t like it.

Yes, I would like to change it.

Yes, I have been trying.

No, it’s not working.

No, I’m not giving up, but…

Yes, it is frustrating… hence the complaining.

::Coz::

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2:23:27 PM

Joel sent in his request for the Daily MIDI. He asked me if I knew the reference, and I do.

Unfortunatly I didn’t find an interest in the whole ‘bringing down of the space station’ thing, otherwise I would have mentioned it, but probably not thought of the MIDI. Good one, Joel.

The reference is — this is the theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey. Well, now it’s 2001 and look! There’s a big spacecraft coming down and landing on some aborigine’s head!

Thanks for the request, Joel, although I’m a little late with it. The rest of you can always request a Daily MIDI just by scrolling down to the bottom of this iFrame.

::Coz::

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2:01:00 PM

You may or may not know that when I bought my new car, I didn’t receive a payment book until the 3rd month. I finally got it, with a late notice, so I called and explained the situation. They said “fine” and I’ve been paying the months since then. I figured they’d put the first two months and tack it to the end of my payment cycle.

I get a call Friday at work from Saturn’s Philadelphia office. They’re wondering where the money is I owe them for paying my first two months payments. (!??!?!)

So now, along with paying the gov’t what I owe them from my tax return (again, not my fault… but that’s a whole other story) and my regular car payments along with insurance, I now will be paying Saturn $125 a month for the next few months. That amount was the best I could do because, frankly, the money they’re asking for… I simply do not have. I do not make enough to pay everyone — even if I cut out ALL personal expenses. The point of the story is I NEED A NEW JOB! BADLY! And I have been trying, but everywhere I try is incompetant and won’t ever answer the phone, i.e. Independance Blue Cross.

Anyone know of a well-paying job available for data entry, customer service, or the like? Of course I’d rather be doing something better like web design or something else in the creative field, but I’m not qualified. So fuck.

At the moment, Stacey from York will be visiting again on April 21st. It may change. I’m wondering now If I should go to Gryphon Cafe tonight to see if Alice will be there. I would have no idea what to say… I just feel bad, and I probably don’t have a reason to.

I’m having a hard time over here.

::Coz::

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3.24.2001

3:19:41 AM

One of the most influential (and most misunderstood) speeches Fiona Apple made revolved around one simple statement: “Go with yourself.”

Meaning: Be true to yourself, don’t conform to others beliefs, style, etc. Make it your own life and do with it what you want. Go with yourself.

Some people may think that writing what I am about to write will make matters worse, but if I don’t say it… I won’t be true to myself and my insticts. Of course, I could be viewed as conforming to Fiona’s beliefs, but hell… everyone should at least conform to what they agree with.

I was talking to a few people about me being down because Alice never called. It was brought to my attention that she could have seen the blog and gotten scared away. This boggles me but seemed to hold true for a few different women. If that is the case then I apologize. But in my defense, This is my journal and I’m simply writing down the days events and thoughts about them. If it happens to involve you, then so be it. I don’t see the big deal. It was obviously never my intention to scare anyone away (if infact I have…) and therefore will never feel guilty about talking about someone. I’ll never go into personal detail about anyone, but if………

….fuck it. I screwed up. Again. I’ll never understand this world and it seems that it’ll never understand me. This, I suppose is something I should get used to if I’m going to continue being true to myself and not hiding anything.

::Coz::

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3.22.2001

10:49:49 PM

Sorry, my computer’s not working long enough to search for a suitable Daily MIDI (I was thinking Tom Petty – “Don’t Come Around Here No More” —- Can you guess the correlation?)

So we’ll just have to deal with this Daily MIDI for another day.

What can I say? Ya take the good and ya take the bad………HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

With my admirably acute wit, I was able to link even today’s blog with the MIDI again!

I’m so good.

::Coz::

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10:23:24 PM

“…her knees thrust in one direction like a symbol in math…

…the symbol meaning: greater than…”

“…quan-ti-fy my luck, I need a mercy fuck…”

~~Soul Coughing

Stacey from York called me tonight. Chatted a bit. She plans on coming back for a weekend again, soon. I’m not objecting.

I sent out a resume to Independance Blue Cross for a position in their Member Services Department. That would rock. Free healthcare and if what I heard about their pay is correct (almost never is) I’d get $13 p/h! I need that. Ireally need that.

And still no word from Alice. Perhaps she’s off being busy in Wonderland.

::Coz::

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12:36:50 AM

Supposed to be published around 7pm on 3/21/01.

DO NOT EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER and I mean NEVER do one of those auto hard drive sweeps to clean out unused files, etc.

EVER!!

I did (obviously) and lost access to outlook express (a.k.a. ALL MY EMAIL) and lost my sound properties, so I probably won’t be able to have sound, now. Finally, after deleting and reinstalling Internet Explorer totally was I able to regain access to Outlook. Luckily (but sadly) I only had one personal email to respond to. And no, it wasn’t Alice, who I have yet to hear from.

Speaking of which, I went to an open mic at The Point last night and met up with her friend (the one who played at Gryphon) and told him how taken I was with her. We talked for awhile and he said he’d pass along “the good word” for me. So…. mmmmmaybe he just hasn’t done it yet…..?? *pout*

I am so disgusted by my computer, I would love to just reformat the whole thing if I didn’t have half my life saved on it. So many important things and no re-writable CD drive nor ZIP drive. I gotta get one of those things to save all personal files and programs but…. I need money for that. Get me out of this hell hole.

Damn you, Eddie Burke. DAMN YOU!

Eddie Burke build this computer and for it, he shall burn in hell…. if I ever find him.

::Coz::

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12:35:08 AM

Wednesday night Quizzo at McGillicuddy’s is great….. except when you win a pitcher of beer and you gotta drive home….. and you’ve already had a Red Death and Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Then, it’s bad.

But I did win a t-shirt, too, for knowing the fact that Alan Thicke wrote the theme to “Facts Of Life” which I thought other people knew, too. Yeah. He wrote a whole bunch of TV theme songs, including Growing Pains. Didn’t you know that??

::Coz::

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3.20.2001

1:43:22 AM

(Due to my new, but still unreliable host this was not published last night as it should have been. My apologies.)

For the first time, I actually handed out my number (business card) to someone after meeting them. Well, a girl. And for more than the purpose of checking out my website. (My card has the website on it and my email and phone number, but mainly it’s for the website.)

I was at an open mic with Sara at the Gryphon Cafe. Very small place and very crowded. I noticed her the moment she rounded the corner to the building as I was smoking outside. She stood nearby where we sat and I watched her a bit, standing… listening. Eventually she got my attention and asked if anyone was sitting in the chair beside me. “Go right ahead” I gestured not knowing how she’d ever get to the seat because of the tight quarters. Sure enough, she got down on her hands and knees and crawled under the table only to find it easier to sit in the seat behind me, but since the stage was behind me, she essentially was sitting beside me still. Immediate attraction to her “Mentos” attitude. (Think about it for a second… Mentos…)

Anyway, I’m not going into too much detail because she might actually be reading this, and y’know… ya gotta play it cool…blah blah blah.

After talking and laughing with her and watching her friend perform, she left so I sneaked out before she did and met her outside. She asked for a cigarette and I handed it to her with my card saying “This is the corniest thing in the world, but…. if he (the friend) wasn’t your boyfriend…” and she smiled and ran to catch up with the rest of her friends.

Her name was Alice. Chances are, that was the first time and last I’ll meet her. But she was nice and funny and quite attractive indeed. Since, like I said, that was the first time I had ever done something like that, we’ll take bets on my beginner’s luck.

You’re probably thinking “big deal” — but it is. For me, at least. And it wasn’t just anyone… I really do hope she contacts me. Perhaps maybe in the future giving my number out won’t be such a big deal?

But should it really be like that?

And why the fuck is my site down again!? C’mon say it… I am bad luck to whatever I touch. Stupid hosts. Cut me some slack. God, .. you watch, she’ll try to access the site but it will be down. Argh.

::Coz::

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3.17.2001

8:13:52 PM

I can appreciate the beauty of a baby, but only if I imagine it as my own.

I want to settle down. I want to have kids. I want to live with the one I love.

How do I obtain that life? What am I doing wrong that is leaving me to be the only person I know to be without companionship? Who could I possibly expect to answer these questions but myself?

All my life I had lived in a shell, presenting the image I wanted to be and people wanted me to be. The perfect person. I did this because I knew people would not like the real me. I didn’t like the real me. So the mask was placed upon my face and the armor upon my body. I have learned to break the mold and become who I am, for the most part. What happens? I have no one. I scare people. I make them nervous. I’m not making this up. Sara has told me the things I tell her scared her a lot. People at work think I’m a freak. I get along with them all, but they still think I’m a freak. I am viewed as a slut.

Here’s a big “I TOLD YOU SO” to all the people who’ve told me I should embrace who I am and not be ashamed. What am I to do, now? Crawl back into the armor I shed? Blow the dust off the old mask and wear it again? What ever happened to “this is how I am and if you don’t like it, you can fuck off” ? Was it not realized that the side effect could be that everyone would then fuck off and leave you unhappier than before? At least then… you had friends.

At least then… you had lovers.

At least then… you had people who liked you.

I’d like to settle down and have kids someday. But I can’t do it alone.

::Coz::

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3.15.2001

12:50:39 AM

At this point, my computer is near inoperable. I’ve had to reset it at least 20 times in the past 5 hours. I am not exaggerating. I don’t exaggerate.

I quit the Apple-Addicts (Fiona Apple discussion list). I first joined July 7, 1999. It’s filled with idiots now who constantly fight over who’s stoopider. And that was a quoted misspelling on a recent post… “Stoopid”.

I know you’re all awaiting more pictures from my new camera.

So here:

A lamp at Sara’s house.

Another one.

The Magical Orb in the fuzzy stair way to heaven found at Sara’s house.

Anna’s baby.

Gotta get to bed. See you later if this thing still works.

And remember…. Coz loves you!

::Coz::

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3.14.2001

8:02:39 PM

Is it too much to ask for a couple friends that will actually be my friends? Is it too much to ask for a couple people who call me up to hang out with? Is that too much to ask? Is it too much to ask for a couple friends who stand by me, support me, listen to me, respect me, and like me? Am I really that freakish? Am I really that strange?

When I need someone to call on, is it too much to ask to have someone be there? When I need someone to cry on, is it too much to ask for a shoulder? When I need to be encouraged by someone who really believes in me, is it too much to ask for?

I only ask of a few friends I can depend on.

Maybe even one… if it is too much to ask of.

::Coz::

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1:39:01 AM

This MIDI is so very crappy, but it seems to be the only one going around of this song.

BTW: In case Melanie or Chris happen to see this, I sent your copies of “To whom it may concern…”. Now be good little boys and girls and don’t move from the front door until they arrive.

Isn’t it neat to know that my music is now INTERNATIONAL? (Chris lives in Australia)

Isn’t it odd to ponder the reasons why I am asking YOU if it’s neat that my music is INTERNATIONAL?

Isn’t it even odder how I seem to insist on capitalizing the entire word

INTERNATIONAL?

::Coz::

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1:16:13 AM

Went to McGillicuddy’s tonight. Open-mic night. I was lucky enough to go there on a day where a guy I once knew was playing with his new band – playing for the first time. They were OK, but the singer was so good. Blew everyone away and it was his very first time. Everyone kept asking for them to play more songs until they basically ran out of songs and steam. There wasn’t even a drummer. Just a singer and 2 badly tuned guitars. The kid’s increadible. He can match Eddie Vedder perfectly. I don’t know his name, but the band is currently known as Low Profile.

You heard it here, first.

I wanted to get to bed at a decent hour tonight. Guess not.

Sorry this blog sucks. But judging from my recent amount of viewers… no one’s here to know it sucked.

::Coz::

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3.13.2001

12:57:34 AM

After a 3 day weekend, I’m back to work tomorrow.

I went through my Outlook folders and deleted all the old crap. Some of it had that old virus that I had… I wonder if this will solve my recent problems. I doubt it.

Some of it, well, a lot of it had letters and pictures of Niniane and was really hard to look at, let alone it being hard to NOT look at. Some of those things were from when we first started talking. Some of them held viruses of their own, but not the kind that would hurt my computer.

It’s time to get to bed, so I can wake up late for work.

::Coz::

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3.12.2001

9:25:29 PM

I was just informed that another person I know has experienced a threesome. They saw my note about it in a previous blog. Very depressing.

Don’t laugh.

It is…

My laundry is done. I had many-a-cloth to be done, including what I had packed from my San Fran trip. I never unpacked. It would hurt me to just look at the suitcase sitting there and to go through it would be going through remnants of the trip. Even now, going through it was hard enough. Finding the plane tickets tucked in there and an empty bag that used to hold some gift I bought for myself out there. Picking up the shirts that surged memories of wearing it “when” the instant I touched them.

Sometimes I try to convince myself I was never in love, either. Maybe it was just her beauty I had fallen in love with. If she wasn’t attractive, would I have still cared about her so much? If I ask myself enough, maybe I’ll start believing it.

::Coz::

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5:25:14 AM

Tonights woman of iSketch….

Scorpita!!!! She’s got a weblog on Xanga. Check it out.

I must do my laundry tomorrow…. some time. God, how many times have I worn the same clothes over and over again? — you DON’T want to know…. because I don’t want to know. There was also talk of getting together with my grandmom tomorrow.

Why hast thou forsaken me!?

JESUS! Look what time it is!

::Coz::

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3:36:11 AM

So, I think I’m gonna stop asking people for scans and/or pictures of their breasts. It’s come to my attention that not only are some women offended by it, but scared, frankly, by it.

This is not what I intended to do, and though I do not understand these reactions, I will cease asking. Of course, I am still open for submitions so keep it in mind.

The couple hours at Anna’s were OK. I hate being a guy. I hate it for many reasons but let me tell you one BIG reason:

Guys hear things differently. Most of you know this but it still must be mentioned and discussed.

I’m going to present to you a conversation. The girl asks if the guy is he is working tomorrow. He tells her no. So she says…

“Well, Johnny will be working all day, sooo…. maybe you’d like to keep me company?” 

“OK” 

“Yeah?”

See, the guy hears this:

“Well, my boyfriend won’t be home, so we have a lot of time to fuck, if you want to” 

“OK” 

“Yeah? You want to fuck me?”

When, in reality she just would like some company while she plays with her baby and there’s no boyfriend around to get jealous and nasty because there’s a guy over.

I hate being a guy…

::Coz::

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3.11.2001

2:58:33 PM

See? My site goes down and I lose all frame of mind. No new MIDI, ugh.

Tomorrow there will be one.

I’m going over Anna’s who maybe you don’t know. We’re watching Meet The Parents. I think it’ll be good. Why the hell am I writing all of this? Why are you reading? Go enjoy your Sunday and scan yourself.

::Coz::

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3.10.2001

10:35:02 PM

Now that my fucking site is back up….

::Coz::

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7:13:09 PM

There seems to be a grave misunderstand of my motives behind collecting pictures/scans of breasts of people I know.

The way I look at it, showing someone your “self” would make you a lot more comfortable around them, close to that person, and relaxed…. nothing to hide. It could be very healthy in a way. My only benefit is knowing that someone is relaxed around me and comfortable — and it’s just cool to know I have a picture of this person naked. It’s hard to explain, because not only would most people not buy it, but wouldnt understand anyway. And if you don’t buy it or understand it, I can’t blame you… but it is a little sad.

It kind of follows the same line as my obsession to have a threesome. You’ll never understand it because I would never properly explain the meaning behind it. Good luck, though…

::Coz::

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3.9.2001

1:47:47 AM

This site is hilarious, even if it hasn’t been updated in forever. I would love to meet the girl who does it. Though, it doesn’t help that her email is now “unknown”.

I REALLY need to go to bed.

::Coz::

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12:26:54 AM

Happy birthday, Lane!

::Coz::

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12:11:40 AM

Since I have nothing of importance to say, I’ll mention that Stile has a great rant on his site. I swear, he matches my feelings on anything he talks about.

I did, however, scan a few pics of my first roll taken with my camera. Nothing great, but it’s something to share.

The Camera Shop — sign

Self Portrait — self portrait

Pattern — this is what I’d submit as my “pattern” shot if I were in a class.

Also, my manager, Rich, is being transfered to another store. Sunday is his last day. At this point, no one knows who will be taking over. I should know tomorrow…. like you care. He seemed pretty down about it. Everything was finally settling down with the customers getting used to him and the associates as well. But, I’ve gone through so many managerial changes that I am not bummed about it. Especially since I don’t want to be there no matter who is manager. But as far as managers go, I couldn’t ask for one that suits my bill much better. So long, Rich.

::Coz::

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3.8.2001

1:50:00 AM

What happened to my daily visitors? Did I scare everyone away? Perhaps bore them to death? Damn, I barely ever even get hits off of Blogger anymore. I must not have a very attractive blog title (“That’s OK…”). Should I change it? I don’t know, it’s like… the right way of thinking is “what the fuck do I care… this is my journal after all…” but the rest of me is telling me why bother write any of it down and make it public if no one is reading it? It’s kind of like forming a band. Yeah, you should be doing it for the music, maaannnn…. the MUSIC! But as much as you’d like to believe that, you know that you’re hoping for a bit of fame and fortune, too.

Tonight was Wednesday night and you know what that hopes to be… No, you don’t. I’ll tell you:

Quizzo! at J. D. McGuillicuddy’s. I was dissed by Tom and his g/f tonight so I ended up going with Dan… the most sober person on the face of the earth. (I was also dissed by a few other people who never called me back as per usual)

I feel lucky — I don’t have to be in work until 2, so I’m taking advantage of it. God DAMN I need money! Jesus, why can’t I get my ass into gear?! FUCK ME!!!!

RANDOM THINGS

Remember Lucas? Lucas with the lid off?

Why does it seem like everything of the net is owned by Yahoo! ?

How about Us3? Remember them?

I’m still nowhere near being over Niniane… and it’s pissing me off greatly.

Why did it take me over an hour to finish this blog and finally achive publishing it? I’ll give you a hint: It starts with a “C” and ends with a “R” — in the middle is “OMPUTE”. Now place the words “My stupid” before it.

Give up?

::Coz::

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3.7.2001

12:20:51 AM

I happen to have inside sources on TOOL and their new album. Which is good considering how much that dumb band means to me. I was just talking to the guy and I explained it like this to him:

“but really…. hearing — no wait.. EXPERIENCING ..the new tool album is along the same lines as some aids patient knowing they have a cure but they just have to release it to the public. Or the entire world, all at once, sitting on the edge of their chairs awaiting the news that we are, in fact, about to be destroyed by a giant meteor in 13 hours and 42 minutes.” 

I continued…

“when i put it on i know im going to want to be all alone and when the sounds begin to …..sound…. im going to lean back and close my eyes like i was just injected with heroin.”

Or maybe I’m just crazy. Anyway, the album is guarded like Fort Knox. No one except the band and the people in the studio has heard it — not even the record company. But one of those “guys in the studio” decided to record a few riffs when he got home of himself mimicking one of the band’s new songs. Very short, 14 second clips…. but enough to get me buzzing… and enough to make me bleed for more. Of course he could also be playing some song he wrote 5 years back that he thought was pretty cool…

Keep an eye on this girl. You just might see her later on playing your local arena.

Imagine for a moment, if you will, a dungeon. Now, in that dungeon you see a man hanging, shackled to the wall. His arms: limp, skin: dried and gray, legs: skinny and dangling, hair: long and twisted like a loose ball of twine. His eyes: vacant and distant. This man is not starved, for he eats every day. He is not thirsty, for he drinks heartily. And the only way to cure this man is for him to obtain affection.

….Love.

…………..Attention.

…………………………..Nurturing.

This man is the manifestation of how I feel.

So don’t try to tell me to lighten up. This man is everywhere I look. He is a part of me. He is my demon.

::Coz::

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3.6.2001

10:56:26 PM

Figures…. I finally post something that might actually hold your interest, and my site goes down.

Wait…. my site goes down!?! Jesus Christ! Tell me… please tell me I didn’t just spend $85 for another flakey host. God help me, or I will terrorize your schools!

At least it’s back up. Still searching for submissions of breasts. Send ’em here.

::Coz::

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12:17:58 AM

I really enjoyed this guy’s photography and stories. Maybe you will, too.

I almost resent people like that — with life steaming off their bodies. People that you take a glance at and immediatly sense the power within them. I don’t have that. Sometimes, though… I’ll try to fake it.

Joyce called me. She hasn’t been able to access her email in quite some time so she didn’t get it. I told her my thoughts and well, nothing’s changed. She asked if I wanted her to make a choice with both of us knowing what the answer will be. How can someone, fully aware that they could be losing their last chance at something they claim to want, be willing to take the risk of losing it forever? How can I be expected not to doubt their feelings of love?

It’s not like I don’t know what to do. But getting on with my life requires me to have one. Once again, she lets me down. I know I should have learned by now, but believe me — I had. When she first told me that she was still in love with me, it was inconsequential. It wasn’t affecting me. I had my mind on other things and after two years had learned how to let her go. But she has this power over me and I’m not sure if I want to be immune to it. Surely someone with such a presence in my heart after all this time has a purpose.

Right?

::Coz::

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3.5.2001

3:07:58 AM

I swear I meet some of the best people in iSketch. Dolcie was my perfect woman of the night, with very intelligent conversation about the passion we share for a lot of the same things right down to our favorite comedians. Must have lasted a good 3 hours at least. It’s times like these where I can relate to Lane‘s feelings of having her closest friends living so far away.

I’m off from work tomorrow so I can sleep again.

Weather‘s calling for no more than 4-8″ and I doubt we’ll even get that.

See? I’m fucking psychic! I told Sara the other night that even though they were calling up to 18″ of snow that we weren’t going to get any, or if we were it would be minimal. And look what happened. Damn, I’m good.

I’m just so damned good…

::Coz::

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3.4.2001

9:18:03 PM

Sorry about the lack of blogging. (To whom I am apologizing to, I don’t know)

I’ve been lucky enough to go out the past couple nights. Nothing really mentionable.

And when I go online at night to do whatever it is I do for 5 hours everynight, I get so fed up with my computer that I just say “fuck it” and go to bed. Yes, my computer is still acting up. I must reset it at least 6 or 7 times within the first 2 hours before it finally lets me do something… like blog.

It was supposed to snow a hellofalot today. It really didn’t. Now, from what I hear it’s supposed to hit tomorrow. Predictions reached 18+” last night. I haven’t seen the news today, yet.

Sexual frustration is really beginning to kick in lately. It’s only been about a month but when you’re on a roll for awhile and then it’s suddenly taken away it really eats at you. So, I’ll suffer from this awhile and then it will fade away for a month or 2, then come back to feed on me a little more. God, I don’t even want to think that far ahead. This year is just not going my way! I didn’t hear from Joyce at all so I just left a message on her machine saying I was hoping for some kind of an answer and to give me a call. I am doubting she will. Everyone is involved with someone. I feel so alone in my alone-ness. Why me? Why am I the one left out in the cold when I have so much to offer the one that I love? People are always under the impression that I always have a girlfriend. I don’t consider myself having a REAL relationship with anyone for about 2 years. Sure, I’ve had my little flings here and there… but everyone knows that doesn’t make one happy. That’s not something to look back on and appreciate no matter how it ended — as long as I was able to be happy for that length of time it’s good. I haven’t had that. And that’s all I wanted.

Yeah, I know, I know…. “If you’re looking for it, you’ll never find it. It’ll find you when you’re least expecting it.” 

Fuck that.

How the hell can that make a difference whether I’m looking for it or not!? I’ve got nothing else to focus on, so what the hell do I do? JEEESUS!!

I swear to fucking God every fucking female I know is invovled with someone! Except, of course, for Joyce… who’s just screwing some guy while she drags me around on her leash.

WHY! At what point did the world decide to turn it’s back on me?! What did I ever do???

What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this — just tell me that much.

And goddammit…. if all I ask of you is to send me a stupid picture of yourself to keep my mind from focusing on the noose dangling above me…. argh! Humor me!

::Coz::

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3.3.2001

4:04:44 AM

You people are just too shy about your bodies…

I, having nothing to do again, hung out with Sara. We caught some live music at a bar and just chilled, really. Not too much talking, but it was something. I really don’t think I have much to say. Nothing’s changed since yesterday and I don’t have any rants or raves. All I can do is keep begging for your scans and look more pathetic. I’m so glad I get to sleep tomorrow… sleeeeep.

(The MIDI is being used because I have no better reason than no reason at all to play it. It’s They Might Be Giants – “Birdhouse In Your Soul”

There’s this guy, Ed, who I work with.

He’s cool.

::Coz::

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3.2.2001

1:56:01 AM

BTW – I still haven’t recieved any contributions of nude pictures.

Anything will do — from scanning yourself, to scanning pictures or what-have-you.

Judy joked about it…. but doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not kidding!

::Coz::

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1:22:24 AM

“When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is

dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast

is strapped to a cat’s back, buttered side up, and the animal is then

dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches

above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form

the basis of a high-speed monorail system.”

~~ Cat humor…. gotta love it.

Today was a strange day. For the first time in a long time — and I mean a long time…. I felt alive. Literally, I felt alive. It’s not a feeling you can describe in words but I’m sure it would help if I had some sort of cause for the feeling. Alas, I do not. It just happened. I was in a pretty good mood today as we were cleaning the store for an upcoming walk-through. I was scrubbing away at the grooves which hold the sliding glass cases while inhaling the fumes of the cleaner… and I realized the air I was breathing (aside from the fumes) was fresh, and the light coming through the big glass windows was bright and glorious. When I had to make a trip to another local store, I was driving with the window down, singing along with Poe, and enriched by the wind running its fingers through my newly-cut hair. It felt like a warm spring day. Better yet, it felt like a warm spring day when you were 6 years old — still able to enjoy life. Though I was in a good mood the rest of the day, the “alive” feeling only lasted about an hour or two.

So when getting into my car to run to our other store, I ran into Sara Fulton. Sara’s the girl that “Whisper In My Ear” was written about. I told her I got done at 6 and to come by so we can do something tonight. She did and we went to a little bar/restaraunt. We were having some of the best and most intelligent conversations I’ve had in awhile. Such a shy person, she began to really open up a bit… which is very good. I would like to help her get over a lot of issues, though it’s almost impossible.

She’s living in a house now with her brother. They’re still in the process of moving, but I went to her house to check it out. My god, it’s a dreamhouse. Just in the sense of the narrow, but spacious 2nd floor being so secluded and perfect for a studio-type area…. an entire floor dedicated to pouring out creativity. There are another two rooms on that floor. One hopes to be an area for painting, the other for writing. The middle one for playing…

Her brother’s part of the house is just that…. a part of the house. When walking through a door, it leads to his bedroom, his own kitchen, own bathroom, and living area. The rest of the downstairs would be Sara’s with her own “everything”, too. it’s so empty now and there’s a bunch of renovations that need to be done… but the possibilities are so exciting! And it’s not even my house!

I really hope to form a collaboration with her. We’ve talked about it so many times… but never went ahead with it. When she gets this place all up and running, I am pretty sure something will start. Looking at her and talking to her tonight got me thinking… I still am attracted to her — mentally more than physically. She’s so frightened by her own body — she considers it her own personal hell. She’s never let anyone touch her, let alone kiss her. She’s 25. She’s got more issues than Clinton’s collection of Playboy. But yet, I wonder….. I just wonder.

Anyway — That’s enough rambling. I gotta get to bed. It’s late.

::Coz::

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3.1.2001

12:54:09 AM

I finally went and did something tonight. I went to a bar with Tom and his girlfriend.

There happened to be a guy there who just started running this Trivia game there last week. Bunch of general trivia, sports, and then there’s a soundbite from a movie to guess and also a TV theme song.

Beside me was a man who must have had 20 beers in him before we sat down at 9:30. He kept trying to talk to me. I only say “trying” because his speech was so fucked up you would think he was from… Canada, or something. So anyway it came time to pick a team name. Me, being the crazy one started naming off some random things… some of which I thought were pretty damned good.

“Iverson’s Cornrows”

“The Guy In The Brown Jacket Is Single”

“What?”

Then that drunk guy started talking to me again and finally asked my name and then introduced himself as Michael. No, he wasn’t gay as it’s starting to sound like he was. So I said to him “Well, Mike, my friends and I need a team name. “Ahi poogh tiniman?” said Mike.

No, Mike… A TEAM NAME.

Mike moves his reddened and glazed eyes over to my friends and back to me and with a little stutter, Mike breathes one drunken word: “Elbow”

Well, obviously we HAD to use it! So we played as Elbow. We didn’t do so well. In fact, we were tied for last out of about 7 teams. But don’t think for one second Elbow won’t be back next week!! Oh yes! We plan on going back and kicking some major …knee!

The MIDI is for Dan — cuz he’s special. This is the first request I’ve gotten so far for The Daily MIDI. I couldn’t find the other one he suggested. Sorry. This song is “To Live Is To Die” by Metallica.

::Coz::

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Coz

Create until nothing is left to create.

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