Don’t worry, this’ll all be interesting when I’m dead.

I think I realized this blog was really only existing for one person. I have no interest in sharing such intimate details with anyone else. I didn’t/don’t care that anyone else reads. So now, since I’ve shut her out of my view and assume the opposite has occurred, too, I have little use for this space.

Besides, only one person even bothered to ask for part 2 of my surgery blog. Just goes to show how many are truly interested. I’m not hurt by that, because it’s not surprising.

I will probably end up changing this layout… maybe to something more appropriate to my online life. Less focus on this rotting corpse of a blog and more on Twitter and/or other things.

I need the record to show that I have done quite well with my withdrawal of Lee Anne. It’s been a little scary, though. I’ve always said that the thing that keeps us going is knowing there’s something to live for, something better than here and now. So when I put every ounce of hope into a particular dream, knowing that will make everything better, allowing it to be the one and only thing I was living for… well… it’s a little scary to let such a thing go. Will I lose faith in life? Will I succumb to complete and total apathy and put an end to this now-pointless life?

Nope. I know there’s something (see: someONE) else out there. I believe in my heart we were meant to be together, when we met, but it didn’t happen. I also know there can and will never be anything as great and powerful as what we experienced. But there are so many facets to our relationships with people, there stands the possibility that I will have something equally as important and equally as fulfilling in due time.

I was never bitter about the situation. Disappointed, to say the least… but never bitter, never jealous. Just thoroughly confused about how something so completely right was just not able to be possible. No, I was never bitter. And for a while, almost 2 years, I was a better man because of it. I could revel in the enlightenment I achieved from knowing her. I was at my best in that year following their marriage. I was the fittest I ever was, I was all-around healthier, too. But things quickly changed after all the ups and downs.

Dysthymia seeped in at some point. I’m now fully engulfed by this disorder and oh, how it touches so many around me. The dysfunction it causes it only strengthens its grip on me.

So this is what I need to work on, now. That and a body which is worse-off now than it was before the surgery. The past 3-4 weeks, I’ve been eating healthier than ever before. I actually am making my own salads using fresh ingredients and preparing them the night before! Dinners are all turkey & cheese, tuna, and/or baked beans. …But I’m still not losing weight.

I’ve not made mention of it, but I can’t even go up a flight of stairs without it totally knocking the wind out of me and making me feel like I’m going to pass out. I have to sit down after standing up some times. And the test is scheduled weeks in advance so I won’t know for awhile if they see anything wrong. My knees, at times, feel like the cartilage in the joint is thinning. The good news is, I’m not coughing up blood since the surgery.

Anyway, these subjects are pretty much all I write about on here anymore. Boring!
I advise you to not check here often, since there won’t be much going on.
Not for awhile, anyway.

I’m done. I’m done.
I’m going to try to be done.
But I need to be done.

…..I don’t want to be done….

But I’m done. I think I’m done.
I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I’m going to try.

Almost five and a half years of being a rock. Steady and patient. Devoted and keen. Empowered, enlightened, and grateful; I cannot be a rock any longer. My heart has atrophied.

So much has changed! With her, I mean.
But I have all these words saved with me that I can read over and over again, to remind me of what once was the ultimate kind of love and connection.

Then I wonder, what is love without background; without history and time behind it? True, we had unspeakable chemistry and I believe the forces of nature were putting all their effort into making us find and be together. But there’s something to be said about the time two people spend with each other that gives that relationship substance you cannot otherwise have with someone you just met. It gives real meaning to loving someone. So I have to wonder.

And without any explanation (and PLENTY of attempts at obtaining one), she’s ignored me for almost a year. Is this her way of giving me a hint? I don’t take hints very well. I like pure, unadulterated honesty. I’ve said time and time again to tell me to go away the moment you don’t want me in your life anymore. That doesn’t happen, so I go on believing I am still wanted.   But going through a major, somewhat risky surgery without a peep? One that was only a 2 hour drive from her home?  And then, being here in town with nothing to do and purposefully, with intent, did not contact me?  This is big-time rejection, more than I’d expect from even the most casual of acquaintances.  Hell, I even got “Get Well Soon” wishes from people I’ve never even spoken to!

It matters no more. The explanation for this silent treatment is what *I* needed to move on. Obviously, it’s not what she feels she needs to give me — and I can’t keep hanging on to that, giving me another excuse to keep this door cracked, letting the hope continue to seep in.

I don’t exactly know how I’m going to do this.
I have some ideas, which my chances of success are questionable, but we’ll see.  Either way, I’m done.

Really.

Door is closed.

I will dedicate no more time to your birthday this year than that which I have put into writing this sentence.

In the mood to write, I am not. But I haven’t done so in awhile, during a very hectic time in my life, so I figure I should.
(side note: I do “tweet” a lot, so you can at least be paying attention to that…)

So, what’s going on. New Years just happened. Dan called me a couple nights before and invited me to something quite special. A private party in Brooklyn with Amanda Palmer from The Dresden Dolls, along with 60 or so other people, followed by a concert of hers at The Bowery Ballroom.

Admittedly, I’ve never been able to get into her music but I could appreciate it and the conviction she puts into it. So, I agreed to go with him because I thought it would be a crazy adventure to go into Brooklyn for only the 2nd time ever. It ended up not being a crazy adventure, but more of a pleasant, dream-like evening which was a real good distraction from the typical New Years celebrations.

There was no focus on the glittery ball, Times Square, the time, or anything else but ourselves; a room full of strangers, each with our respective vices, shames, habits, and obsessions to give up.

You see, we all were given a piece of paper to write down one thing we want to let go of. After midnight, we all sat around the perimeter of the place and the room went silent. We were lit mainly by candles around the room. We put all our papers into a tin bucket and then we were all given tea candles. The hosts came around with candlesticks and lit all our tea candles, bringing me back to the annual Christmas Eve Mass when I used to go with my grandmom. They came around with the bucket again and we all placed our candles inside, burning all our papers into smoke and ash.

I’d never not watched “The Ball.”

It was beautiful.

A little while later, we all formed groups and took the train to Manhattan where the show was at. The show was fantastic, I listened to and watched every note come alive to keep us awake until 6am and beyond.

Dan and I recruited one of the girls at the party & concert to take us to a place to eat. We couldn’t find one, so we finally walked into a deli and they had a grill going. Finally at about 8am we started the 2 hour drive back. Well, Dan did. I slept for most of it as my hangover began to kick in big time. As I get older, I have more and more difficulty enjoying a night with alcohol. It’s kind of a shame in some respects, but I’m not complaining either.

Videos of her serenading us with The Cure & Radiohead while at the party are up at my YouTube. Pictures are here.

Oh, Christmas has also come and gone. It was ok.
I miss being 7.

For some reason, Lee Anne has not spoken to me since late August. Well, even that was only a friendly reply to a text I sent. It’s probably been since May since I SPOKE to her. She was able to tell me she’s ok, though… she just can’t communicate with me right now. That was via text circa late October, early November. I don’t know what’s going on there. This is highly unusual and I’d be OK with whatever her reasons are, if only I knew why.

Heart surgery. Oh, my poor, achy, breaky heart.
Less than 18 days away, now.

A lot of people are asking if I’m nervous. No, not really. I’m more nervous about the trip and preparations and making sure I don’t forget anything, etc. Once I’m there, I mean, I’ll be in the care of some of the nation’s best hands. So, no. Not nervous about the surgery.

I’ve installed my itinerary on the side, there, for everyone. You can see the schedule I’ll be going by. If I’ve got nothing going on, it means I’m at the hotel. Cleveland Clinic Guest House. But, you can probably reach me on my cell. I’ll be tweeting as much as I can throughout the process. The tweets may be just a picture. Who knows. But it should be fun. Full blog posts when I can, too. I’ll have access to all my emails but it would be more convenient for me if you wrote me at the address listed on the “TOUCH” page.

I’m also buying a new livingroom set because the one I have now takes up so much room. New couch, coffee table, and TV stand. I am having THE WORST LUCK selling on Craigslist! Everyone I talk to says they had no issues. ALL I’M HAVING IS ISSUES! First of all, 95% of the people who respond to my ads are scammers. I can tell because their text is obviously a canned reply, and/or they’re asking questions which the ad already answered, and/or they’re speaking in broken english which wouldn’t be so bad except when I first started this, I gave them the benefit of the doubt and sure enough, they were going to “send me a money order” and send out their “movers” to get my items to deliver it to them who are conveniently living in another country. So… no more broken english. No one signs their emails with a name at all. It’s very impersonal and no one’s trusting the other person, it’s so obvious. But I had two bites on my old Blackberry (which I’m also selling) and both guys disappeared the day we were supposed to meet. They stopped returning my calls and never showed up. And today, a woman was going to buy my coffee table but her husband decided at the last minute to keep their old one and I was left at home waiting for them when I could have been running errands. At least she called, though.

I need to sell this stuff within 8-10 weeks, which is when all my new stuff will be ready and delivered together. But there’s no way I’m going to just give the stuff away for ridiculous prices. That’s not cool.

So, here are the things I’m selling. A couch, a coffee table, and a Blackberry Curve. If you know anyone looking for this stuff, let them know asap. Thanks. And yes, I’m gonna have to deal with the moving of this furniture while I’m recovering. I should be OK, though.
COUCH: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/fuo/978353805.html
COFFEE TABLE: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/fuo/978356176.html
BLACKBERRY: http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/ele/980554202.html

Also, if you’re an expert on selling on Craigslist, tell me what the hell I’m doing wrong? I’ve put these 3 items up at least 7 times now. I think people are only looking for dirt cheap or free shit on here. Stupid.

Going through some hidden archives of my writing.
Came across a few things that, I have to admit, I’m quite impressed by. Most of it I don’t even remember writing. I’m glad I did, though. Perhaps I’ll share more publicly here as time goes on.

I wrote a number of pieces through the telling of a fictional story, or a fictional story based on real-life events; a mixing of reality, metaphor, and fantasy. This is one of them.

12/22/05

“I wasn’t really in that bad of a mood,” I recalled to myself later in the evening. I remember walking into the hall of tears and cheers and looking at all the paintings on the wall. They were animated, but lifeless and soaking wet. They forgot where they were for a moment and couldn’t remember their way back. It’s just that they’ve been hanging there for so long.

I felt someone tugging at my shirt but there was no one behind me. I think someone’s been trying to hang me on that wall. I’m a little too lucid for that, still. They’ll keep trying harder. I somehow missed the placement of one single eye screw stuck in my shoulder blade. Here I thought I just had a pinched nerve!

This was here yesterday. Not the screw, the whole deal. I put this in my sockdrawer, didn’t I? Shoved it in the back, didn’t I? I thought the sock goblins would come and eat it up like they do with the other things that get pushed back there. How did this get out? Why am I seeing it again? I feel like clicking my heels together and chanting an infamous line.

I was through your veins not long ago. Like everything else, it passes. Soon there could be nothing that remains the same as it is right this second. Soon, there could be nothing at all. But I’ve got a stint up my sleeve, I suppose, because some things will never fade away.

And I’ve been on the verge of tears for reasons I can’t finger. (that’s not a pun)
Is it the holiday season of which I am not really participating in this year? Couldn’t be. Guilt from eating too much? No. I think it’s just feeling powerless over my entire life right now, especially because I had such a firm grasp on it not too long ago.

What’s another term for “missing you” ? I can’t find a good word that describes the feeling of missing someone so very badly it seems to cause exhaustion and fatigue. How would you say that? I’m fatigued by the ____ that I am feeling. By the “missing-you-feeling” that I’m feeling? NO!! There’s gotta be something.

So I had these water-words boiling in me and I don’t know if I soothed it or not. I’m thinking not, but it’s not burning me so much anymore.

I gotta stop now anyway because I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. It’s funny how much I bore myself.

But I’m still here. As usual. As always. And I’m definitely looking forward to a day off tomorrow/today. I need it.

“…and I listen for the whisper
of your sweet insanity
while I formulate denials
of your affect on me.

What am I to do with all this silence?”

Ahh, the memories…

Now if only I could get all that crap about Candy pushed off this page and put behind me where it belongs; where it is in reality.

‘m sitting here this evening with a hole in my back. See, I had a cyst removed this afternoon. It had to be carved out of me and filled with gauze. I’m in a bit of pain. I can only hope that when I wake up it will remain at this uncomfortable level but not higher. Gross.

There’s a fraud issue within Cingular Wireless and I’m one of the many affected. Someone was able to order a new phone once they called in and verified my name and last 4 digits of my social. This is no good. I just discovered it tonight, so I’ll be working on that tomorrow. Whoever did this was not after a new phone. I’m fairly certain they wanted my address in addition to what they already had on me. And they got it while they changed my address to somewhere in Brooklyn. I hope this is not the start of something real big. Sucks.

My show last Thursday was ok. The venue provided many disappointments but supposedly people enjoyed our music. If you were there, feel free to let me know how you really felt. Many people didn’t show up that I expected not to show up, but I kinda hoped you would. (pictures from the show available in the Media section of www.circuittheorymusic.com)

I’ve apparently lost something that I really didn’t want to. Not at all. I appear to be living a bit of a nightmare. Is it my own fault? Some of it, maybe. But I’ve done nothing to deserve such cruel fate… fate which is stuck in a revolving door. Must I lie to end the cycle? This lonely heart of mine is like a house that’s haunted by a ghost who doesn’t live here but who’s threat scares off everyone else from moving in. What do I do? This is rediculous. This sucks. This is grossly rediculous. Can’t you see what kind of hell I’m in because of this?

And the ghost says “Go ahead. Let them move in. I want you to be happy. I am not there. I won’t be there.”

And the tenants say “That ghost, I cannot compete with. I am scared of that ghost.”

But the ghost is not there. And she will be sad she’s scared off such good tenants and happiness from the house. And the tenants will feel sad they cannot live there and for a moment they’ll feel guilty, but they’ll remain confident in their choice. And my lonely house remains vacant as another few boards are nailed over the windows, despite the beautiful interior and convenient marble-top island in the kitchen which everyone loves. Does any of this make sense to anyone?

Someone’s gotta change. Someone’s gotta take a fucking risk once in awhile, because this revolving door keeps kicking me in the ass.

Some random, windy day there was a young girl who came upon the stump of a tree. She stood on it and decided not to move for awhile.

She looked up to the fast-moving clouds and overcast skies. She looked up so long, her hair grew long and skin turned pale.

The clouds kept rolling, the sun would set and rise again. She kept right on looking, waiting for something new to happen up in the sky. She didn’t even know if anything new was supposed to appear. But she kept staring and her pupils became dilated. It all began to blur together but she did not even notice.

At some point, she sneezed. The tiny particals of mucus twinkled in the light sun for a moment and it woke her up out of this self-induced trance. She screamed at the top of her lungs so loud it could be heard for 300 miles. “WHAT IF I DID?”

The question was posed.

She sunk back into her coma and forgot to listen for an answer.

Eventually, the wind paid another visit to the girl, now aged a bit. And with it, a voice. It was not a voice you nor I could hear. It snuck around inside the wind and would have to be blown directly into the keeper of the intended ear. Today, that girl was the keeper. And how the wind howled that day.

It spoke in riddles but it answered all her questions. It soothed her nerves. It brought a lucid touch to her soul. Still, the one thing the wind could not answer was how long this calm would last. So the girl looked down at a large rock settled next to her and her stump and she looked at it and asked “Why?”

The rock, solid as it was, sat there in silence.

She wept. She wasn’t satisfied. She needed this question answered before she moved off this perch.

But the rock knew the answer.
He just couldn’t tell her.
Becauase he was just a rock.
And she wouldn’t believe a word he said.

So he stayed, silent and patient, for the wind has already answered her questions.
She just has to learn to believe.

Congratulations to The Pittsburgh Steelers. It’s a shame the Eagles weren’t in the Superbowl this year as everyone predicted, but I’m quite happy another PA team won. Especially one from such a fine town as Pittsburgh.