I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. I’m not sure, yet, if it’s because I’m not taking Paxil, or because of the fact that I’m thoroughly depressed.
The depression is stemming from the fact that I know, now, that this is the end. There will be no more Niniane after Tuesday. There will be no more Niniane and Coz. It’s done. It’s over with. Forever. I wanted this trip to be something special for her. I wanted her to succumb to the love that’s hidden deep within her. I don’t know if I believe it’s still there anymore.
What it comes down to is that she’s not ready, either way. She’s not ready for love. She’s not ready for a relationship. She’s not now, and I don’t believe she will be for a very long time. Why I had to fall in love with her is not surprising. I always fall for the ones who are not willing to fall for me.
The saddest part is that it was once there. It really was. I know it. She knows it. There was something there that can be described as nothing short of infinite. It’s what I always dreamt for and what she never thought about.
I couldn’t even begin to show her how much I love her, for she was not even giving me the chance. It was hopeless from the beginning. She had it so set in her mind that I would not be able to change things, that she won’t even let me try.
Another thing I’m confused about is why she’s been making love to me. Three mornings in a row, she’s allowed me with no questions asked, to engage in the most intimate of things. She doesn’t need to, she barely cares to… but yet she’s participated with no hesitancy at all. There was no mention of a condom being brought into the sex. I’m assuming it’s her one way of trying to keep me happy while I’m here. A humoring, of sorts.
As we can see, it’s really only brought out confusion… though I’m not complaining.
I’m sad. I’m sad because this was something I wanted more than anything.
I’m relieved. I’m relieved because I can go on with my life, now.
I’m anxious. I’m anxious because the way my love life is going, I just may end up with the person I’ve always thought I’d end up with. And though no one could ever match Niniane’s beauty, I will at least have someone that knows what love is, and the power it holds. I can look forward to someone who wants to love and wants to show it. I can look forward to someone who knows when to say shut up, and how to really lay it down for me.
If I can get past the jealousy I have of Niniane’s beauty, I’ll be just fine. But it was a wonderful thought – an amazing feeling to know that I would be with someone who is the most beautiful person in the world to me. That is a sad, sad thing to have and lose.
This place isn’t for me, anyway. She’s got such a complicated life and lives most of it as her mother’s left arm. There’s no way I could separate them, nor would I wish to.
The streets are too busy. The people are, too. And I wouldn’t fit in. It’s not for me. The life out here wouldn’t be mine. I don’t feel at home.
I still pray everyday here, that she’ll kiss me – uninvited. Or perhaps she’ll come from behind and give me a big hug. Just something that let’s me know she does still care about me. The fact that those things are not happening leaves me to assume that… she doesn’t.
What am I in a world of people that would kiss the ground she walks on?
Who am I to step in front of them?
I have another life. It’s 3,000 miles away. Why don’t I just go back to where I came from?
This Tuesday, I will.
I really had hoped this week would change my life, my reality, from now until my death.
The only thing it has done is bring me back down to reality.
It’s been an amazing time knowing you, Niniane. You’ve given me more hope in life and love than anyone else. You’ve shown me beauty can exist on the inside as well as the outside. You’ve also shown me my heart and how easily it can still be broken.