So I’m not so sure I have much to share here. I am trying not to think about it. The more I do, the more nervous I get. Today I lost my patience and stopped being so friendly with everyone. Just very quiet and short with them. I had such a hellish day today. It wouldn’t surprise me if I oversleep tomorrow. I sure hope not but what can I do?

I’m inclined to write out all my feelings as if I was preparing to die. Well luckily I don’t hide my feelings and those whom I love and are on my mind know who they are. I hope they remember it forever.

Take care. Ill probably be out of the OR by noon if you want to call my mom. I don’t suspect ill be able to make/take calls or send any tweets until late afternoon at least.

Thanks to all those who’ve sent well wishes. I do appreciate it.

Final reminder:
I’m at the Cleveland Clinic for open heart surgery called a septal myectomy to improve my hypertrophic obstructive cardiomyopathy. If all goes well I should be on a plane home on Jan 30th. Ill be recovering for at least 4 weeks.

Talk to ya soon!

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aturday I attended my 8th Tally Hall show (over the course of 1.5 years) at The TLA on South Street. Technically, they were the opening act for a Japanese Power-Pop girl group who were singing in Japanese and broken English. ugh. But it was good seeing Tally Hall at a nice large Philly venue. They are touring with the Jap-Girl group through July. In August I will see them again at World Cafe Live (8/10) and Rehoboth Beach (8/12). Got Josie hooked on them, too, as well as her daughter.

Be on the lookout for Tally Hall appearing on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson the evening of August 2nd.

Now for something a little more Coz-related……….
My band, Circuit Theory, posted some pictures on our Myspace and also (for a limited time only!) a special clip from a new song of ours which we recorded in our rehearsal room. Visit, look, listen…… to Circuit Theory.

ere’s the deal, dear devil of deception:
I’ve had this way of life I adopted when I was fairly young. It’s basically the same as the old “Eye For An Eye” motto. With all due respect to Ghandi, there are times when justice must be served. There are some things that simply warrant reaction, especially when it affects many people.

There was a bad connection when you tried asking me “why” the other day. The call seemed to drop after you played dumb with me, thinking I’m holding some sort of grudge for reasons that don’t mean anything. So because I want to make it clear to you, I will graciously detail it out here for you to see.

1) You lied about having a child.
2) You told dozens of lies and made up accounts just to cover up lie #1.
3) You stole money from someone you worked with on the day you quit.
4) You lied about the reasons you left girl #1′s house.
5) You covered up a great alcoholic dependancy. I learned it was so great, your place of employment had to put a 3-drink max on the employees because of you.
6) You lied about why you had to leave girl #2′s apartment. It was not her mental stability you were worried about. In fact, I learned it was the fact you had a week-long slut fest with god-knows-who, doing god-knows-what leaving her to come home from New England to find used condoms all over the place, burn marks on the furniture, broken property, and best of all… took all of her pills yourself and later admitted to it over voicemail. (So don’t try to deny it.)

You got a ban put on me from the bar you worked at, telling them all about how I was mis-treating you. Meanwhile, you were asking me to simply stay away from there because you were too ashamed to see me.

So, taking all this into consideration, I tend to think there’s probably a lot more I don’t know about and frankly don’t want to know. People laugh at me when I told them you said I was your 3rd. I just don’t want to know any more.

Maybe now you understand a little more clearer just how much I DO know about you and why I wrote a warning about you on the internet. Considering the fact I know your parents phone number and their general address, I suppose I could do a lot more so be happy I’m leaving it at a modest attempt at ruining your reputation with future guys.

So can we end it at this? Can you go along your way without contacting me again? You’ve got too many problems you need to seriously seek help with. I don’t want a single part of it and still hope you have enough wisdom to stay as far away from me as you can.

t’s been some time since I made any attempt at writing in this thing. I have been thinking how it would be nice to not have to have this thing to upkeep, though it would still be nice to have a place to write something when I feel like it. At this point, I don’t really know what it’s purpose is. My life is documented here. My whole person is documented. You want to hear my music? You want to look at my old artwork? You want to know anything about me? You want to know what I was doing this week 5 years ago? It’s all here on this site. But I don’t know why anymore. I’m changing.

I have made a habit of getting involved with web projects that require my attention and I just don’t really want to do it anymore. Even the newest thing, hiddeninthesand.com, requires me to update the Tally Hall news whenever something notable occurs. They’ve added new tour dates… but I don’t feel like updating the news. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s not because I have lost any love for the band. I just don’t want to have these internet responsibilities anymore. But I’m a little tied down to it. For now, at least. I’m changing.

Last night I went out
1) by myself
2) to a bar
3) in center city
4) to meet with a group of people I’ve never met face to face before.
The people on the Kidd Chris Show message board put together a little meet-up thing at a bar in the city. They were having karaoke. And since I love karaoke and I’ve become somewhat of a regular on the board, I found my way there. It was a great time. I’m thinking on it now and realized I definitely had fun and I’m reminded of many, many years growing up through adolescence having accepted the fact that I was not able to really have fun. I could name the times I had real, true fun on one hand. This period started from approximately 6th grade up until maybe 2 years ago or so. I had gotten used to thinking I just never had fun. I had good times, sure. But I often could not say I had FUN. I didn’t know what it was. I started thinking at one point during these years that I perhaps put this “fun” thing on too high a pedestal. Maybe I had expectations that could never be met. All I knew was that when I’d get home from a day or night out with friends, I never felt that delightful exhaustion from the events that just ended. This isn’t the case anymore. I didn’t just have fun last night, I’ve had quite a lot of nights and days that I thoroughly enjoyed. At some point, something happened that turned this switch on which allowed me to enjoy myself. I have a pretty good idea as to what changed me. I don’t think it’s even necessary to spell it out for you. If you think back to what happened 2.5 years ago, you’ll figure it out.

I’m changing.

I spent over 7 hours in the hospital Thursday night. After 48 hours of constant (sometimes very severe) pain in my upper abdomen, I went to the ER. I had bloodwork done to check my health, an EKG to check for a heart attack, chest X-rays to check for intestinal blockages, a CATscan to look for bloodclots, and none were able to diagnose the problem. I was sent home with an educational guess for a diagnosis. Somehow I damaged my interior chest cavity wall. I can’t imagine how that happened. But Friday and today the pain has finally started to drift off. At this hour, I’d say I’m about 95% recovered. I’ve been having more thoughts of quitting smoking after all this. I’m changing…

It’s June. It’s halfway through 2006, the year that would be full of change. Look back in my notes from late 2005 and you’ll see I could predict this. There’s a lot on the brink, still. I’m nervous at times because of this. I’d like to think I know what to expect but I just don’t. The world is expanding below my feet with every step I take. Inch by inch, foot by foot. It’s blank in front of me, but I’m still walking.

‘ve heard there are no rules in love and war. I’ve also heard that all is fair in love and war. I don’t know which holds more truth because neither ever seems to be, in fact, true.

If we make it through the shit times, we can do anything. All we need is patience and a lot of faith. I’ve surprised myself at how much of both I’ve shown over the years. I guess what it comes down to is that I believe in so few things in life, that when I come across something that I do believe in, I will fight bare-knuckled until my skin has worn through for it, or until I’m proven wrong beyond doubt. Shame on anyone who’s skeptical of that fact.

t’s gonna be another busy week. Monday is band practice, Tuesday is nothing (I’m writing this more for me than anyone else), Wednesday is the TOOL CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Thursday I get to find out if I have the HIV or not and then I’m helping my mom drop her car off at the service station, Friday I am helping her pick the car back up. Then the weekend comes and I have nothing special planned that I remember. Ok so I guess it’s not that busy of a week. I really just wanted to write it all down and have an excuse to express my excitemenet for being one of the lucky few going to see Tool at The Tower Theatre.

EDIT: Tuesday has now been filled up with “Movie Monday at The Troc.” Only this week its on Tuesday. Movie is Taxi Driver. Accompanies by Dan and whoever responds to his myspace invite.

The band and I have set up a few musicians profiles all over the web. One of them has already gotten us a couple reviews and coincidentally, they’re both positive! I gotta say I’m disappointed in a handful of “friends” on MySpace who’ve chosen not to show any support whatsoever by not adding Circuit Theory to their friends list. Am I being too sensitive? I feel this really shows who cares and who doesn’t. Because if anyone knows me, they should know how much I wanted to be back in a band and how much I wanted to sing and pursue a career in music. You’d think they could at least show they support it in some way. Even by giving an opinion on it. But no. And that’s kind of how my life’s always been. And people wonder why I’m become so “self-centered.” Well shit, if I can’t count on anyone else, you better believe I’m gonna focus on my own well-being.

weekend’s pace is always too fast. This one should never end. And although it’s still Sunday afternoon, it’s pretty much over as far as I’m concerned. I was lucky this time. I didn’t have expectations other than making it memorable… making it enjoyable. I suppose I did pretty good.

I wish I could write in smaller brushstrokes.

We’ve so much more to learn. I’ve a world to show you, still. I’ve a world behind those eyes to experience, too. Likewise, there’s a life untapped waiting patiently, like me, to be taken… to be chosen.

There is indeed a sense of loss, even though I was too delirious to express it. But I’m in a different place. I’m in the same place I’ve been for a long time. Waiting in the wings for an intermission. This was all I could hope for, for now. A brief embrace. I’m fighting off my urges to start holding my breath, though. I always seems to get ahead of myself.

Excitement, to the point that I’m trying my best not to have a heart attack.
I am alive.

Hey! Look!