relationships

Worthless Space

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I think I realized this blog was really only existing for one person. I have no interest in sharing such intimate details with anyone else. I didn’t/don’t care that anyone else reads. So now, since I’ve shut her out of my view and assume the opposite has occurred, too, I have little use for this space.

Besides, only one person even bothered to ask for part 2 of my surgery blog. Just goes to show how many are truly interested. I’m not hurt by that, because it’s not surprising.

I will probably end up changing this layout… maybe to something more appropriate to my online life. Less focus on this rotting corpse of a blog and more on Twitter and/or other things.

I need the record to show that I have done quite well with my withdrawal of Lee Anne. It’s been a little scary, though. I’ve always said that the thing that keeps us going is knowing there’s something to live for, something better than here and now. So when I put every ounce of hope into a particular dream, knowing that will make everything better, allowing it to be the one and only thing I was living for… well… it’s a little scary to let such a thing go. Will I lose faith in life? Will I succumb to complete and total apathy and put an end to this now-pointless life?

Nope. I know there’s something (see: someONE) else out there. I believe in my heart we were meant to be together, when we met, but it didn’t happen. I also know there can and will never be anything as great and powerful as what we experienced. But there are so many facets to our relationships with people, there stands the possibility that I will have something equally as important and equally as fulfilling in due time.

I was never bitter about the situation. Disappointed, to say the least… but never bitter, never jealous. Just thoroughly confused about how something so completely right was just not able to be possible. No, I was never bitter. And for a while, almost 2 years, I was a better man because of it. I could revel in the enlightenment I achieved from knowing her. I was at my best in that year following their marriage. I was the fittest I ever was, I was all-around healthier, too. But things quickly changed after all the ups and downs.

Dysthymia seeped in at some point. I’m now fully engulfed by this disorder and oh, how it touches so many around me. The dysfunction it causes it only strengthens its grip on me.

So this is what I need to work on, now. That and a body which is worse-off now than it was before the surgery. The past 3-4 weeks, I’ve been eating healthier than ever before. I actually am making my own salads using fresh ingredients and preparing them the night before! Dinners are all turkey & cheese, tuna, and/or baked beans. …But I’m still not losing weight.

I’ve not made mention of it, but I can’t even go up a flight of stairs without it totally knocking the wind out of me and making me feel like I’m going to pass out. I have to sit down after standing up some times. And the test is scheduled weeks in advance so I won’t know for awhile if they see anything wrong. My knees, at times, feel like the cartilage in the joint is thinning. The good news is, I’m not coughing up blood since the surgery.

Anyway, these subjects are pretty much all I write about on here anymore. Boring!
I advise you to not check here often, since there won’t be much going on.
Not for awhile, anyway.

Crazy What You Could’ve Had

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I’m done. I’m done.
I’m going to try to be done.
But I need to be done.

…..I don’t want to be done….

But I’m done. I think I’m done.
I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I’m going to try.

Almost five and a half years of being a rock. Steady and patient. Devoted and keen. Empowered, enlightened, and grateful; I cannot be a rock any longer. My heart has atrophied.

So much has changed! With her, I mean.
But I have all these words saved with me that I can read over and over again, to remind me of what once was the ultimate kind of love and connection.

Then I wonder, what is love without background; without history and time behind it? True, we had unspeakable chemistry and I believe the forces of nature were putting all their effort into making us find and be together. But there’s something to be said about the time two people spend with each other that gives that relationship substance you cannot otherwise have with someone you just met. It gives real meaning to loving someone. So I have to wonder.

And without any explanation (and PLENTY of attempts at obtaining one), she’s ignored me for almost a year. Is this her way of giving me a hint? I don’t take hints very well. I like pure, unadulterated honesty. I’ve said time and time again to tell me to go away the moment you don’t want me in your life anymore. That doesn’t happen, so I go on believing I am still wanted.   But going through a major, somewhat risky surgery without a peep? One that was only a 2 hour drive from her home?  And then, being here in town with nothing to do and purposefully, with intent, did not contact me?  This is big-time rejection, more than I’d expect from even the most casual of acquaintances.  Hell, I even got “Get Well Soon” wishes from people I’ve never even spoken to!

It matters no more. The explanation for this silent treatment is what *I* needed to move on. Obviously, it’s not what she feels she needs to give me — and I can’t keep hanging on to that, giving me another excuse to keep this door cracked, letting the hope continue to seep in.

I don’t exactly know how I’m going to do this.
I have some ideas, which my chances of success are questionable, but we’ll see.  Either way, I’m done.

Really.

Door is closed.

My New Favorite Story

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The Missing Piece Meets The Big O by Shel Silverstein.
I don’t know how this evaded me during my childhood, but I don’t recall ever reading it. Regardless, it’s a story that all too many of us can learn from at any age.

Yeah. This is so me.

Old Words, Part 1

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Going through some hidden archives of my writing.
Came across a few things that, I have to admit, I’m quite impressed by. Most of it I don’t even remember writing. I’m glad I did, though. Perhaps I’ll share more publicly here as time goes on.

I wrote a number of pieces through the telling of a fictional story, or a fictional story based on real-life events; a mixing of reality, metaphor, and fantasy. This is one of them.

12/22/05

“I wasn’t really in that bad of a mood,” I recalled to myself later in the evening. I remember walking into the hall of tears and cheers and looking at all the paintings on the wall. They were animated, but lifeless and soaking wet. They forgot where they were for a moment and couldn’t remember their way back. It’s just that they’ve been hanging there for so long.

I felt someone tugging at my shirt but there was no one behind me. I think someone’s been trying to hang me on that wall. I’m a little too lucid for that, still. They’ll keep trying harder. I somehow missed the placement of one single eye screw stuck in my shoulder blade. Here I thought I just had a pinched nerve!

This was here yesterday. Not the screw, the whole deal. I put this in my sockdrawer, didn’t I? Shoved it in the back, didn’t I? I thought the sock goblins would come and eat it up like they do with the other things that get pushed back there. How did this get out? Why am I seeing it again? I feel like clicking my heels together and chanting an infamous line.

I was through your veins not long ago. Like everything else, it passes. Soon there could be nothing that remains the same as it is right this second. Soon, there could be nothing at all. But I’ve got a stint up my sleeve, I suppose, because some things will never fade away.

And I’ve been on the verge of tears for reasons I can’t finger. (that’s not a pun)
Is it the holiday season of which I am not really participating in this year? Couldn’t be. Guilt from eating too much? No. I think it’s just feeling powerless over my entire life right now, especially because I had such a firm grasp on it not too long ago.

What’s another term for “missing you” ? I can’t find a good word that describes the feeling of missing someone so very badly it seems to cause exhaustion and fatigue. How would you say that? I’m fatigued by the ____ that I am feeling. By the “missing-you-feeling” that I’m feeling? NO!! There’s gotta be something.

So I had these water-words boiling in me and I don’t know if I soothed it or not. I’m thinking not, but it’s not burning me so much anymore.

I gotta stop now anyway because I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open. It’s funny how much I bore myself.

But I’m still here. As usual. As always. And I’m definitely looking forward to a day off tomorrow/today. I need it.

Explanation to Candy

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H

ere’s the deal, dear devil of deception:
I’ve had this way of life I adopted when I was fairly young. It’s basically the same as the old “Eye For An Eye” motto. With all due respect to Ghandi, there are times when justice must be served. There are some things that simply warrant reaction, especially when it affects many people.

There was a bad connection when you tried asking me “why” the other day. The call seemed to drop after you played dumb with me, thinking I’m holding some sort of grudge for reasons that don’t mean anything. So because I want to make it clear to you, I will graciously detail it out here for you to see.

1) You lied about having a child.
2) You told dozens of lies and made up accounts just to cover up lie #1.
3) You stole money from someone you worked with on the day you quit.
4) You lied about the reasons you left girl #1’s house.
5) You covered up a great alcoholic dependancy. I learned it was so great, your place of employment had to put a 3-drink max on the employees because of you.
6) You lied about why you had to leave girl #2’s apartment. It was not her mental stability you were worried about. In fact, I learned it was the fact you had a week-long slut fest with god-knows-who, doing god-knows-what leaving her to come home from New England to find used condoms all over the place, burn marks on the furniture, broken property, and best of all… took all of her pills yourself and later admitted to it over voicemail. (So don’t try to deny it.)

You got a ban put on me from the bar you worked at, telling them all about how I was mis-treating you. Meanwhile, you were asking me to simply stay away from there because you were too ashamed to see me.

So, taking all this into consideration, I tend to think there’s probably a lot more I don’t know about and frankly don’t want to know. People laugh at me when I told them you said I was your 3rd. I just don’t want to know any more.

Maybe now you understand a little more clearer just how much I DO know about you and why I wrote a warning about you on the internet. Considering the fact I know your parents phone number and their general address, I suppose I could do a lot more so be happy I’m leaving it at a modest attempt at ruining your reputation with future guys.

So can we end it at this? Can you go along your way without contacting me again? You’ve got too many problems you need to seriously seek help with. I don’t want a single part of it and still hope you have enough wisdom to stay as far away from me as you can.

The Girl & The Rock

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Some random, windy day there was a young girl who came upon the stump of a tree. She stood on it and decided not to move for awhile.

She looked up to the fast-moving clouds and overcast skies. She looked up so long, her hair grew long and skin turned pale.

The clouds kept rolling, the sun would set and rise again. She kept right on looking, waiting for something new to happen up in the sky. She didn’t even know if anything new was supposed to appear. But she kept staring and her pupils became dilated. It all began to blur together but she did not even notice.

At some point, she sneezed. The tiny particals of mucus twinkled in the light sun for a moment and it woke her up out of this self-induced trance. She screamed at the top of her lungs so loud it could be heard for 300 miles. “WHAT IF I DID?”

The question was posed.

She sunk back into her coma and forgot to listen for an answer.

Eventually, the wind paid another visit to the girl, now aged a bit. And with it, a voice. It was not a voice you nor I could hear. It snuck around inside the wind and would have to be blown directly into the keeper of the intended ear. Today, that girl was the keeper. And how the wind howled that day.

It spoke in riddles but it answered all her questions. It soothed her nerves. It brought a lucid touch to her soul. Still, the one thing the wind could not answer was how long this calm would last. So the girl looked down at a large rock settled next to her and her stump and she looked at it and asked “Why?”

The rock, solid as it was, sat there in silence.

She wept. She wasn’t satisfied. She needed this question answered before she moved off this perch.

But the rock knew the answer.
He just couldn’t tell her.
Becauase he was just a rock.
And she wouldn’t believe a word he said.

So he stayed, silent and patient, for the wind has already answered her questions.
She just has to learn to believe.

Congratulations to The Pittsburgh Steelers. It’s a shame the Eagles weren’t in the Superbowl this year as everyone predicted, but I’m quite happy another PA team won. Especially one from such a fine town as Pittsburgh. 🙂