Gross Things
I
'm sitting here this evening with a hole in my back. See, I had a cyst removed this afternoon. It had to be carved out of me and filled with gauze. I'm in a bit of pain. I can only hope that when I wake up it will remain at this uncomfortable level but not higher. Gross.There's a fraud issue within Cingular Wireless and I'm one of the many affected. Someone was able to order a new phone once they called in and verified my name and last 4 digits of my social. This is no good. I just discovered it tonight, so I'll be working on that tomorrow. Whoever did this was not after a new phone. I'm fairly certain they wanted my address in addition to what they already had on me. And they got it while they changed my address to somewhere in Brooklyn. I hope this is not the start of something real big. Sucks.
My show last Thursday was ok. The venue provided many disappointments but supposedly people enjoyed our music. If you were there, feel free to let me know how you really felt. Many people didn't show up that I expected not to show up, but I kinda hoped you would. (pictures from the show available in the Media section of www.circuittheorymusic.com)
I've apparently lost something that I really didn't want to. Not at all. I appear to be living a bit of a nightmare. Is it my own fault? Some of it, maybe. But I've done nothing to deserve such cruel fate... fate which is stuck in a revolving door. Must I lie to end the cycle? This lonely heart of mine is like a house that's haunted by a ghost who doesn't live here but who's threat scares off everyone else from moving in. What do I do? This is rediculous. This sucks. This is grossly rediculous. Can't you see what kind of hell I'm in because of this?
And the ghost says "Go ahead. Let them move in. I want you to be happy. I am not there. I won't be there."
And the tenants say "That ghost, I cannot compete with. I am scared of that ghost."
But the ghost is not there. And she will be sad she's scared off such good tenants and happiness from the house. And the tenants will feel sad they cannot live there and for a moment they'll feel guilty, but they'll remain confident in their choice. And my lonely house remains vacant as another few boards are nailed over the windows, despite the beautiful interior and convenient marble-top island in the kitchen which everyone loves. Does any of this make sense to anyone?
Someone's gotta change. Someone's gotta take a fucking risk once in awhile, because this revolving door keeps kicking me in the ass.
Labels: ella, health, relationships
posted by Coz at 8:38 PM
8 Comments:
There are no ghosts. Only the demons you refuse to exorcise. Forgive yourself and the they will have no more power than you allow them.
I can't stand anonymous comments. Whoever you are, it sounds like you have NO idea what I'm talking about. Please, please tell me what I'm supposed to forgive myself for?
Demons. I've been called a lot. That's a new one.
You are right, I have no idea of your exact problems in life. And, Ella, I don't know you or your connection with Coz, don't identify with me saying "demons" as "you" personally.
I post anonymously so titles and relationships can be left outside of this conversation, not to hide myself behind some cloak of mystery.
All I am saying is that you carry a burden of your past with you Coz. It follows you like a specter. You bathe in it and it's shadow constantly creeps from the darkness everytime your inner light shines. Maybe this makes you a great artist. You revel in the passion of your own demons. the little voices that whisper horrible things behind your back and in your ear. A tortured soul is valuable for somethings, no?
What I am saying is that we all have these dark places in our hearts. parts of ourselves that are dark and ugly. If you listen to them long enough you will belive them. You must be careful, if you listen to the whisperings long enough they will be the only thing you hear.
I leave you with this and by the looks of your site this maybe the last thing I get to say to you.
Take it or leave it for what it is.
Take me for what I am. A voice on the internet who cared enough about you as a person to take the time to write to you. A voice Who tried to offer friendly advice. Or leave me. Which ever is more comfortable.
Your choice.
"On the edge of sleep,
I heard voices behind the door
The known and the nameless,
familiar and faceless
My angels and my demons at war
Which one will lose --- depends on what I choose
Or maybe which voice I ignore..."
-a forgotten friend.
I'm not going to reply anymore - you can stop looking.
All I'll give you is this: you still dont know what the situation is and it shows. thanks, but forget it.
Situations are irrelavent and so are slamming doors. I will respect your wishes and drop this. But, I am left wondering why is it when anyone tries to enter that haunted house do the wraiths await them in the shadows?
Is it you or them who are the master of the house?
Only you can possibly know what you are supposed to forgive yourself for. I never pretended to know. When you figure it out everything will be different... everything.
Good luck Coz.
You leave me no choice but to enlighten you here because you're looking more and more like an idiot.
Im talking about real people, here.
I'm talking about my soulmate who is married to someone else... who keeps going back and forth on whether she's going to leave her husband finally. Meanwhile, I'm trying to not count my eggs before they hatch, I'm dating and meeting people. But because there's been this lingering possibility of "ELLA" deciding to leave her husband for me, I continue to tell these women I date about my little situation. Maybe I shouldnt, but I felt I should be upfront. Then that lingering possibility seemed to be coming to fruition. She made it seem like it was definitely going to happen (in her defense, though she never actually said that). Sooo... I sit back and decide to wait the next couple months out in solitary. Then I meet a wonderful girl who, although cannot compare to the likes of a soulmate, really stole my heart. Things started getting serious and she realized she would be stupid for getting involved with me while I have these feelings for someone else, plus who knows if ELLA will come around and when. So... then I spoke with ELLA who told me its no longer a possibility. It's not the right time to make such a decision in her life. She says go. Be happy with her. I try, but then the girl decides to end it. So i lost both. This "ghost" of ELLA, who is not a threat anymore and I dont want her to be, has scared away this wonderful girl and a few others, too, who probably wouldnt have amounted to anything anyway -- but my point is.. no one wants to be involved with me because of this "ghost" of ELLA who really is nothing at all aside from a fantasy at this point. So I can't win for losing is the point.
THere's nothing I can do other than lie about my situation and never mention the possibility that one day, my soulmate may knock on my door and give us a chance. I wont mention the possibility of leaving at any given moment.
But thats not how I am. I'm too honest. Regardless, the end of this story is I was finally able to let go of that. I finally said to myself if she does come around... fuck it... im with someone really special and now it's ELLAs turn to wait. But that wasnt good enough.
So now you see how off your comments were. Now you see i've got nothing to forgive myself for. There are no demons. There is only love battling love and i was stuck in the middle.
But no more.
I'm giving up. I will not have that carrot dangle above me any longer. ELLA no longer is a lingering possibility.
And I must start from scratch all over again.
Thats that. Now please let me be.
I apologise for writing this but you are lost in symantics.
Exchanage the words "forgive yourself for" to something like "let go of" and my statements still hold.
-no one wants to be involved with me because of this "ghost" of ELLA who really is nothing at all aside from a fantasy at this point-
You see this is the type of "thing" that needs to be exorcised, let go of, forgiven.
I meant nothing more.
I took your words, not knowing the exact language which would most appropriately apply, and made a heart-felt attempt to give counsel.
I did realize the real people and real emotions were envolved but I was forced to guess (by lack of full disclosure) on what the true nature of your troubles were. I attempted to tailor the language to best fit a wide variety of situations.
I was off mark only slightly.
In a cooler light you may see what I was trying to convey.
You are a bright person, you know not to pidgeon-hole innaccurate and cumbersome language but to look at the wider meanings they hold.
I don't expect you to accept that I was trying to help, but I hope you do...
I leave this matter in your hands and will not reply to any rebutals unless specifically asked.
Again my apologies for dragging this out for yet another round.
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