Don’t worry, this’ll all be interesting when I’m dead.

I had a dream last night that I died.  It was amazing.

I wish I remembered more.  I can only remember a couple visuals but the feelings are so vivid and real and they’re still with me.  I recall a large house I was brought to.  Large and old.  All wood.  Dimly lit.  And I remember a group of others that were brought here, too.  I believe I was outside at some point, in narrow paths along the sides of the house and the bushes guarding it.  I recall growing more and more tired throughout the time there.  I think the others were there to die, too.

I remember being brought into a large room with a circular stone bath.  It was like a large bowl, 8 feet in diameter, sitting in the center of this intensely detailed, handcarved wooden room.  The room was dark but the water was lit.  I think there may have been a small moat around the bath, too.  I’m not sure.  I was thinking this is where they were letting us go.  I recall some interaction with the others but not a single word has been retained.  It wasn’t where they let us go.

I recall lying down on the grass and trying to scribble out a small blog to you guys.  I wanted to reach out and say goodbye to you all, thanking a few, letting some know how much I’d stay if I knew I could spend the rest of my days with them.  Literally, I was trying to scribble it on a piece of paper that would then become the blog.  But I was so tired I could barely write.  I was ecstatic, though.   I was nervous and excited.  It was something unknown and inevitable about to come at any minute.  I was at peace.  Total… complete… pure peace.  I had no worries.  And my eyes opened up and I found myself on my bed, here.  I awoke… barely conscious, but I thought to myself, “Am I dying?  Here?  Should I get up or let this take me?”  And I was so tired I couldn’t move.  I couldn’t move my arms if I wanted to — and I didn’t want to.  I felt that may disturb this blessed peace.  So, I closed my eyes and let it take me. 

But I eventually woke up again and found myself slightly behind schedule for work.

“I think it’s kinda funny.  I think it’s kinda sad.  The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.  I find it hard to tell you.  I find it hard to take.  When people run in circles it’s a very, very… mad world.”

I’m a cynical optimistic.  I wouldn’t expect you to understand that, but I hope you do.

 

My dad’s been in the hospital for a couple weeks now.  I haven’t blogged about it because it wasn’t all that serious.  He went to his cardiologist’s for a check-up and was admitted to the ER when the Dr. saw how bad he was.  He was treated in one hospital while they did some testing.  He was transferred to another, a preferred one, where he stayed for a couple days until last Friday when he was put into ICU while they did a heart catheterization.  I think he still has the stint in and he’ll be in ICU until they take it out.  They’re investigating his heart, liver, and kidneys.  The kidneys are looking fine.  His heart is looking OK, aside from the fact that it’s never looking good.  His liver is in question.  Apparently, the doctors mentioned, for the first time, “the T word” as my dad put it.  Transplant.  Now, I’m not sure if he was referring to his heart or liver.  Both could use it.  But my dad doesn’t want to take a transplant away from a more deserving person.  He feels the end is inevitable and why prolong it?  Who’s to argue, really…

I’ve been taking care of the turtles while he’s been gone. 

I really wish I could be around water.  I think I have a love for it that I never really acknowledged.  I’ve actually thought about being an aquatic animal trainer.   

You know… we are all animals.  Why can’t we live like the rest of them?  Because we’re smarter?  OK, you watch a bird fly over your head today.  Tell me you never wanted to fly like that.  Watch a turtle for an hour and tell me who has it better.  Watch a man, waking up bright and early, suit and tie, weaving through traffic to get to work on time to earn a precious dime to pay the bills which someone else gave him, in hopes that he’ll have enough money left over to buy himself something to make him temporarily happy and give his children a better life than his.  Yeah… who’s smarter now?

And don’t give me that shit about the wild predators they always are dodging.  We’re dodging predators every day, too.  Our own neighbors.  Our own kind.

One of the two turtles died yesterday.  Not my fault, though… the damn thing wouldn’t eat.  She passed an egg a couple weeks ago and I don’t think she’s been able to recover from it.  I would put food right in front of her, distract the other turtle, and she still refused to even take one bite.  I was hoping she was just still pregnant and when the other egg came, she’d start eating again.  But… the egg never came.  The end was inevitable.

Notice: Series 2 of Dead Like Me premiers tonight at 10pm on Showtime. See it.

Update: …And it was just as good as ever. Man, this is truly a show I wish everyone would watch. “…they were smiling because they were brave enough to be who they are.”

It seems I have a secret admirer.

They’ve posted nice little treats here, here, and here.

This is someone who lives in Delaware County, searched Google for VURT, found Callie’s site, came to mine via a link on her site, and all-of-a-sudden… they know me?   Right.  Having a website is so much fun!!  

update:  crazy judy strikes again.

cozbaldwin.com presents…

 

cozbaldwin.com, currently ranked the 222,834th most popular site on the internet, based on a three month average, according to http://www.alexa.com/, presents to you a couple short stories written by short people.

 

Pumas in The Rain:  Originally penned by Cal Wright at age 12, is a wildly imaginitive and demented short story that could possibly rock your world.

 

Gishywan:  The discovery of what would later be discovered to be previously discovered by someone else who named it ”free-association” style writing.  Explored and uncovered by a couple of 14 year old kids.

 

These are some things that were published in DuH Komix, which was a comic book an old friend and I created and sold domestically and internationally at age 14.  I have been meaning to get them typed up for quite a few years and now I have.  Enjoy!

 

(by the way, Blogger is making some major changes and mostly for the best.  If you’re using other publishing software, I suggest checking out what Blogger can do for you.)

I’m sitting here, in the middle of July with aching shoulders from dragging December all this way, but I’ve found a comfortable spot because I know October… is coming around again.

And I’ve found that TIME can’t be used as any form of measurement, for anything, for any reason. Ever. Time is irrelevant and furthermore, it doesn’t exist. It’s a fabrication, people. There’s nothing to it. Things happen instantaneously. The world can change in less than a second. Our lives change in the blink of an eye. How can you possibly use time to measure anything, and think that’s reasonable? This is for everyone. This is for everything.

Put me in a swimming pool, I’ll swim until I’ve pruned up. Wrap me in a bed, I’ll sleep until I’m rested. Put me on stage, I’ll sing my heart out until I have no voice left.

If only we could live according to our own limits.

Time can heal our wounds, though. I’ll give it that.

Finally did another digital art piece.

It’s called “Dream With You“

Sarah Slean’s album is set to release in Canada on September 14th.

They’re still trying to decide if a U.S. release is worth it. “Oh please, yes!” I say, knowing full well that I can still get my hands on a first-run print, but I want America to discover great music again. I’m shaking with anticipation over this album.

I have an MP3 copy of the song “California” available if you want to hear it. I looked forward to this song more than any other. The live versions are heart-wrenching. Seeing it live was, too. This is a little different, but still powerful as hell. GET BOTH VERSIONS HERE.

I went to California

I met a lovely man

He rubs a wedding finger

Without a wedding band

O he knows better anyhow

His kisses are just old in his eyes

O I know better I know better

Still I wish I was by your side

Check this out… there’s a guy in France who runs a non-profit E/N news website who wrote an article about the violence in today’s society (in France). He wanted some images and did a Google search for “aggression” which directed him to my digital art. He asked me if some of them are OK to use on his website.

He states he would like to use them to illustrate a text about everyday violence. The article, of course, is in French but I got it BADLY translated to English through a website which you can read HERE.

Thanks to Seb and c-pas-net.org for being so kind as to ask first. The original article can be found here. And by the way, Seb… you think it’s bad there? Check out a side by side comparison HERE between all major countries of the world. America is, unfortunatly, much much worse. Pretty interesting stats they have on that page, though.