Archive for November, 2001

I haven’t had much time to blog lately and forgot to remind you all of the Sarah Slean show at The Point Thursday night.

Good thing, too…

I arrive at the door with a Nikon 995 borrowed from work all ready and anxious as ALL HELL to see her. And it was postponed.

God, it was so disappointing.

I could make this post much more dramatic, I’m sure… but it’s 3am and I gotta get to bed. Just know that I am very depressed over this, since this concert had me so excited… more excited than I have been in a very long time. And she wasn’t even there.

Of course, I’ve been playing with the 995 a bit, and if anything’s worth putting up, I will later.

byebye

Below you’ll find the words of Dr. Timothy Leary. I’ve posted them before, but I feel inclined to remind you of it again.

“Think for yourself, question authority.

Think for yourself, question authority.

Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are and where we’re going in this ocean of chaos, there has been the authorities; the political, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rule, regulation. Informing, forming in minds their view of reality.

In order to think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness, chaotic, confused vulnerability… to inform yourself.

Think for yourself, question authority.

Think for yourself, question authority.”

In work news:

I’m being promoted again and with that comes a move to a different store. Paoli.

I’ll be a floating manager, as they call it. It’s long and boring to go into it, but I am now a manager just not of a store. The positioning of different people in different stores is a strategic move made by the district manager. So, within less than a year I was Assistant Manager, and just a few months later I am a Floating Manager. Fun.

It’s like… a whole bunch of good and bad this year.

It comes in as the year from hell and finds its way around to being a very productive year for my “career.” Troubles ensue throughout the good in hopes of making it not as good as it could be, keeping me afloat and holding my head under water at the same time. I feel so lost at times. So confused, so emotionally drained.

Just let me sleep, please.

Let me sleep.

It’s happened again.

Black Friday. Retails “biggest” day.

2 sales associates call out. Won’t be back for (1: a week, 2: maybe a week).

We were still pretty covered though. Nice day outside. I fucking found $80 on the ground outside my store! Yeah! EIGHTY!

Yes, I know it’s someones but I looked and looked and no one was around. I can’t exactly go up to people and ask if that’s theirs.

There’s nothing I can do! It’s cash! Heh! Nice day outside!

I get a call at about 6:15pm. It’s my mother… almost hysterical.

“I think it came out again” she said between gasps of breath.

She didn’t call 911. She could barely make it to the phone, let alone unlocking the door. She needed me there to avoid cops breaking in the apartment. So from work (Lawrence Park Shopping Center) to home I went.

I wish I had an 8 cylindar.

It didn’t seem nearly as bad as it did last time.

Ok ok…… let’s cut to the chase.

She’s back in the hospital. Eventually, after they tried popping it back in manually, it began to hurt her just as much as it did last time. So back we were.

And if they’re not able to put it into place externally (which looks unlikely) then they’re going to have to go in for a 3rd operation and back to square one all over again.

Woe is me.

Welcome to cozbaldwin.com, currently ranked #2,766,589 of all websites in the world!

Not too shabby! You know, I look at that and don’t feel quite as bad about my efforts!

Statistics provided by Alexa Internet. Boy, this is what I’ve always wanted. They give you a toolbar to download that is added up there to your browser. It tells you the current rank of each website you go to. It also gives you related links to the site — other things to check out that are supposedly like the site you’re viewing. It automatically tells you the owner of the site and the personal information about the owner (or company).

Alexa Internet has also helped create The Wayback Machine! This will have you hooked for hours upon hours if you’re an internet junkie and have been for years.

Basically, The Wayback Machine has been archiving websites since 1996, saving the current look and content of the site. You can see Yahoo! at it’s earliest days. AOL, eBay, MTV.com, Amazon.com, even cozbaldwin.com…. how it looked then, how it looked months from then, all the way up to now. It’s a complete history of the web. It’s the most complete internet super-archive. It’s AMAAZZZIIINNNGGGGGG.

It is… The Wayback Machine!

I wish I had known about this meteor shower thing. I heard nothing of it until this morning. I’m so out of the loop!

But really, it depresses me knowing I missed it. It would have depressed me seeing it, too. I can relate.

It makes me mad that I’m so disconnected from everything. I don’t like to miss anything. Sleeping has always frustrated me because I just might miss something. Anything.

Even if I did know about this event, I was so tired and had such a headache, that I wouldn’t have been able to do it. Maybe a minute or two out the window but that’s all I’d be able to take.

But anyway, back to being mad… and whining.

All I do is work and come home to a computer. Before, it was an empty house and a computer. Now it’s just the computer. So where did my life go? Where’s my *click*? When is the next meteor shower? Oh, 40 years… well, that’s not such a big loss, then.

I don’t watch TV, I don’t go out, I don’t talk on the phone, I just type and I draw…. digitally.

last time I whined about this I was informed that I should take a class. Meet people there.

A class. With shift work? Can’t happen. And with what money anyway? I barely am making enough to pay all my bills and live semi-comfortably…. and whatever extra I ever have falls into my fathers drinking hand.

It just bugs me to death. These are my prime years. I should be out partying, having fun, dating around, smiling, laughing, joking, crying, fighting — anything good or bad. But there’s neither. My personal life is literally based on my fingertips and that’s not the personal life I want to have. If so many people like me, if so many think I have looks comperable to Russell Crowe, well that’s wonderful!! …but what do I have to show for it?

Not a damned thing. My mother says I’m too picky. Well, yeah, there are only a handful of people that I feel inclined to hang out with, but where are they? Where are the other people that might have in their group someone more like me? Surely not sticking their hand out at me.

Ah, yes. There’s your bait. Take that line and tell me “You gotta go reach out to *THEM*, too, Coz.”

Yes, I know. I know this. It gets to be a bit discouraging though, when almost every time you try, you are turned down for one reason or another.

I read things like Lane’s entry and know that I don’t just have to meet people in class or at work…. people meet by chance all the time. People randomly meet other people all the time. I hear about it. I know it happens. So where? Where are these random meetings taking place? Everywhere but where I stand, or what? I know this sounds like I think I’m the only one in the world and I know I’m not… but dammit, how would you feel?

Yes I was previously joking about me and suicide season.

I’m not sayin’ I would do it….

“buddaye und’ah’staaind.” (Chris Rock)

Where is everyone at quarter after 6 in the morning?

Ahh… right. “Bed”.

Insomnia has captured me and I’d be willing to bet that it’s not just the fact that I slept until about 3 in the afternoon. There’s just so much going on, man. I pick my mom up in a few hours to take her back home. Then off to work I go.

!!!!!!!!EXCITING NEWS BULLETIN!!!!!!!!!

I was speaking with my district manager the other day about how the Ritz Restoration center is crap. First, it goes down to Beltsville, MD, takes at least 6 weeks to get back and when it does finally come back it looks like shit. Not to mention, if there are any special instructions for the imaging technicians, they are not followed… at all. Something really should be done about this and I *KNOW* I’m not alone in my frustration with the place. So I spoke my peace to her.

She agreed and followed it with “Yeah, y’know, I’d love to have a district imaging center.”

WHUAH!!?!

Well, Ms. District Manager… I am your man! I told her how I just recently launched my site and doing stuff like that really is a bit of a passion. “Wonderful!” She says, and we continue to try to make plans for this to happen. If I can get the back room of my store cleaned up and ready, then she’ll give me a computer and Ka-Blam!, we have an imaging center with yours truly in charge. Part time.

She said there’s no way that the regional manager would allow for me to become imaging tech and away from assistant manager of the store. They see too much potential in me and do not want to stunt that growth.

We briefly talked about pay on this. Obviously it would add more to my income and she’d have to talk to the RM about it. When I mentioned that I don’t just have to work in the store, but that I can also take stuff home with me, she was hesitant because that would mean they’d have to pay me for hours I work at home, unless of course they make me salary. I’d rather not do that. But my dad brought up a good point today. Find out whatever they pay the current imaging techs and request that it be some sort of separate check or something. Pay me at my current rate for being assistant manager plus the rate of what the techs make. That’ll be asking a lot, but it does sound fair… though I’m probably overlooking something with that.

I don’t know. I don’t know how this will happen, but damn. This is one GOOD step in the right direction of making a career out of something I *WANT* to do!

So there’s another thing that’s on my mind.

Also, let’s see… if you met someone online that you got along with superbly, find them incredibly attractive, and see a lot of potential in a having a great relationship with them, how long could you wait before that person decides they are ready to meet you face to face?

2 weeks?

A month?

3 months?

What about 4 months? 4 months of nightly conversations involving many expressions of mutual care and great admiration. Could you do that? Could you do that not knowing that you had to wait at all? Not knowing when that person would be ready and asking at every opportunity if it’s OK to hang out that day? Not completely understanding WHY they’re not ready to even just meet you once to see if you got along well in person?

Could you do it for 4 months?

How about 5?

What about a year?

November 12th marked the beginning of Suicide Season.

You know, where more people commit suicide because they realize around the holidays just how lonely, sad, and pathetic they really are?

We’re in that season.

Well, I am anyway.

Looks like anyone who checked out www.thecarpetedwall.com is just as much a closet-dyslexic as I am.

I just noticed that when in the “services” page, the tab was spelled “sercives”.

Wierd…

Been a while, hasn’t it.

Yes, well… a lot has been going on.

Basically it starts on Tuesday morning, the morning after mom gets home from the hospital.

9:00, she wakes me from my slumber on the couch. She’s just waking up herself. We talk a bit as our eyes struggle to stay open. We have a cigarette.

Around 9:30 she asked me how I did with her daily tapings. She tapes all the talk shows every morning and the week she was gone I had to make sure that every night, I put a new tape in. She walks over to the VCR and bends down to organize the tapes she will begin watching later in the day after I leave for work.

On her hands and knees, she begins to talk but is interrupted by her own self…

“oh my god… oh my god….”

She begins to scream. She’s in pain.

She yells again and rolls onto her side, then to her back.

Every breath she takes is followed by a yelp.

Her new hip has become disconnected.

I had *NO* idea what to do. I offered a pillow, I think.

She finally is able to tell me to call 911 and I did so.

Just minutes later, the police arrive and inspect the scene taking down whatever information they can get. Then the first of the paramedics. Deciding how to move her onto a stretcher, then down a narrow flight of stairs with a broken banister, and a sharp right turn at the bottom. The fire department shows up. More medics arrive, too.

They bring a stretcher up that can be separated in half then slid under someone, connecting back together again at the center.

Very carefully they begin taking action.

Once restrained, they lift her up and out the door, down the stairwell half way, only to hoist her over the rickety banister and down to the first floor hallway where other medics stand prepared to take over.

Success.

I’ve locked the doors behind everyone and as they place her in the ambulance, I look around and no one tells me what I should be doing. I ask someone “Where am I in all of this?”

He points to the ambulance and says “front seat, there, Sir. Buckle yourself up, too”

The trip to the hospital was very slow. Again, they had to drive very carefully so as not to make things worse.

The yelling, by the way, has yet to cease. This is not a pain that can be gotten used to. It’s constant, unbearable, and something I can’t even imagine. I tried… many times.

The rest is pretty boring. They had her in the E.R. for a bit, pumping her with morphine (which didn’t help at all), then they got her a room for a few hours while they waited for O.R. time.

I must say, it was almost traumatic! My mother, as most people know, is not exactly someone I think about every day. Yet seeing her, my mother, in more pain then I think I have ever seen anyone else in… was pretty strange, to say the least.

So she had the operation re-done and now wears a brace. She’ll be moved to another hospital tomorrow which specializes in her situation and the physical therapy she must endure. She’ll be back home, I assume next week.

Now onto other news:

Three more restorations have been added to the portfolio section of www.thecarpetedwall.com.

Diet Pepsi Twist (the one with lemon flavor added) is really not bad at all!

Mother arrives home tomorrow. No more walking around naked. *CRINGE!* …sorry…

In the blink of an eye, my life will regain a bit more control. I’ll go back to being the assistant manager, but I’ll tell ya… I’m going to be a bigger, better, and badder assistant manager! That’s right! I will be the best damned assistant manager in the WORLD!

Why?! Because I have nothing BETTER TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will still have a big hand in taking care of the apartment, cats, and mother. (I never call her “mother” I’m just doing it for fun)

I’m going to have to talk about my pay, though. It’s just not right that a new hire is making .50 less than I am. Her pay is right…. mine is wrong. I know that I’ll get the run-around and nothing will change. But I’m going to try. If nothing changes, then it will eventually drive me to looking for a new job. I’ve got more experience, now. Maybe it’ll be easier. I just kind of wish I didn’t have to do that. Stupid company.

So… you want it? Huh? You wanna see it? Eh? Eh?

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Here it is!

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THE CARPETED WALL!

Check it out!

Gimme some feedback!

Pass it along to everyone you know!

Start writing it in every stall you enter!

Live it! Love it! Breathe it!

The Carpeted Wall is here to stay and NO ONE can take that away…. from me.

Help me!

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