Archive for June, 2001
How y’all doing?
Just a little hello. Unfortunately, I cant update my Archives at this time.
Still working on getting a new system/repairing old one. Hope all is well. Please email me and let me know you still love The Coz.
Or sign the god damned guestbook! Thanks 
Last Sunday night, 6/17… hours after I posted that last post into the wee hours of June 18th…. My computer died.
So does this mean the end of www.cozbaldwin.com?
Hell no!
It just means you’ll have to be patient while I work at getting a new PC and hopefully transferring files over to the new one. When will this happen? I don’t know… seeing as I have no money. To be honest, this has really screwed me over royally. I’m pretty worried. But if things go the way I think they will at work, I’ll soon be moving up and getting a bit more money.
In the mean time, as I’ve informed the beautiful people of The Coz List (sign up here), I have set up a “Comps for Coz” fund for you to donate as little or as much as you want (with a $100 minimum). Please email me and let me know you’re interested in donating and I’ll pass along the super-secret address for you to send your hard earned money to.
Until then, I will be on my girlfriend Johanna’s computer, or my mother’s comp from time to time, to check email and update this site. But it will be… unfortunately… scarce.
‘Til next time!
Everyone wants to be first in my life.
I suppose it’s better that no one at all.
I can’t focus on anything if everyone wants the attention. And it’s surely not a lot of people that DO care, but the ones who DO care are the one’s who expect full attention, which is fine, and very reasonable… but when there are 4 people who I am constantly defending myself to, it makes it a bit difficult to focus on anything at all.
I want so bad to just not care. I suppose that’s why there are so few things I do care about. I know I can’t dedicate myself to something because eveything else needs some dedication, too.
In a perfect world there would be one person I care about. And that person would provide all the love, friendship, trust, and freedom that I need. In a perfect world, I would have no responsibilities and no one would question it. In a perfect world, no one would question me.
This is not a perfect world, nor will it ever be.
So I’ve learned to accept this imperfect world but it hasn’t accepted me. My mind becomes cluttered with #1 people. Who do I please next? Who do I devote myself to this hour?
Is all this just a spoiled-brat whine? I know this will offend certain people and I hope they take a minute to realize this is what my brain is spewing out. This is my vent getting unclogged. This is how I feel — and sometimes how I feel differs from reality.
And now… introducing…
The newest and brightest star on cozbaldwin.com…
Ladies and gentlemen…..
I present to you….
Without further ado…
The one…
The only…
PICTURE PAGES!
(brought to you by cozbaldwin.com)
This edition is filled with the U2 concert!
Picture Pages will be a new part of the site. It will contain all pictures contained in a new story, etc. Don’t worry, when it changes you’ll know. It’s only there so I don’t have to put all pix in the blog when I do things such as go to a show. Anyway. Go check it out.
Missed me? I thought I’d allow a few days for people to read my story.
I went to the u2 concert on Monday night, pictures will be available soon. It was pretty good. What provokes me, though, to go to a concert is not for entertainment but to feel. Be free. Be one with the music and the artist. That also can only be fulfilled if you’re in a small venue and/or close up, like…. right next to the stage.
This concert, however, was more entertainment. It was like being at a ballgame. Not that I didn’t have a good time….. But I didn’t feel like I was at a concert. They definitely do put on a nice show and really do a lot for the audience. I think that’s very admirable, especially considering how famous they are.
Today….. I received a special gift. One I was not expecting in the least. One that will shut me up for a little while.
Today, Johanna gave me American Beauty — Awards Edition.
Thank you, Johanna. Thank you.
Locals know the story…
Outsiders have heard it all before…
But try being on the other end of that loaded gun on 2 different occasions in your life and then read about how another young clerk, just a couple miles away, wasn’t so lucky.
I’m not sure why I’ve gotten away with life so many times. Between the two hold-ups and the two serious car accidents, you might as well start feeding me Tender Vittles, pat my head, and tell me to stop eating the plants.
Haven’t you ever had that thought…
“What would people say about me when I died? How many people would show up to my funeral?”
I’d die to know the answers to those questions. Did you catch the irony?
Why, though? Is there something deep within me that really does need to be seen by the world? In what ways would I ever contribute to the world to explain the sparing of my life? Perhaps, life is just waiting for me to soak up enough knowledge and passion and love so then it can let me down by killing me off. Knowing my luck…
It’s a real shame what happened to that guy. It hurts to hear what happened to him more than all other anonymous-to-me deaths, although I’m sure I have seen him during my many late-night trips to that very CVS. But I don’t hurt for his family…
I hurt for him, who probably learned something new that day…
Who probably was smiling an hour before that…
Who probably was running late for work that night and was already anxious to get back home…
Who’s last sight was of a fucking black kid whom he never saw before, pointing a gun at him for no reason whatsoever…
Who probably didn’t even have a chance to think that he was about to die…
Who didn’t get to tell his girlfriend he loved her –one last time– and didn’t get to hear it from her –one last time–…
You must try this on my site. Any site, for that matter…. but it works pretty well. Go ahead!
www.pornolize.com
On a serious/whiny note…
I am quite disappointed that not one single person that I know wrote me about the site. The way I look at it, I don’t ask much of anyone. I barely ever do anything good with my time/life. I barely ever have a passion for anything, let alone be PROUD of something I’ve done. But I made it clear that the new design was very exhausting and I worked hard on it. I made it clear I was excited about it. I made it clear that it was really something important. Yet no one, not even those few lurking daily visitors, wrote a damned word to me about it.
And unless you feel the need to really express how you feel about the site, now…. don’t say anything. I haven’t earned it from you, I annoyed it from you… and I don’t want that.
It reminds me of last Christmas/birthday when no one gave me a copy of American Beauty. Not even Magnolia, or Fight Club, or Being John Malkovich. Nothing. And those, especially American Beauty were HIGHLY known as obsessions and loves of mine. What did I get, anyway? Hm, let’s see… Mommy got me a little piano-magnet that plays Fur Elise when you press the keys. Oh! I also got a bottle of Designer Imposters cologne! And a bunch of other CRAP I didn’t ask for, let alone WANT!
Ok, ok… I’m getting a bit hysterical here.
I try to look at the optimistic side — maybe everyone just assumed someone else would get it for me.
Maybe everyone else assumed their comments on the site meant nothing since everyone else would be writing in with their opinions. yeah, that’s it………….
Well you’re wrong.
I still have yet to own a copy of American Beauty.
I still have yet to receive any emails/gbook entries on the site.
I still have yet to doubt the impression that I get that no one gives a shit about me and what few things are important to me.
…and you wonder why.
