Melanie and I just got off the phone, actually. We talked for about an hour after we had been chatting for the past couple days. I'm gonna build a small website for her... for fun. It's incredible. She's so hot, and I hate to say it but she looks 100x better than when she did when I knew her. She's engaged, now, to a guy -- and to think... he could have been me! I don't regret it, though. As much as I cared for her, I did what I needed to do at the time. Melanie came down for a weekend back in the April of '97, I guess it was. I started seeing Joyce soon after Melanie went back home. Summer rolls around and I decide to visit Melanie for a week. It was mean of me to do to Joyce who was not happy in the least, but I didn't feel at the time that Joyce and I were destined. So I went. Spent the week with Melanie and la-dee-da.
I returned home to find Joyce and my dad waiting at the bus terminal for me. When Joyce saw me she literlaly ran into my arms and hugged me so tightly and so passionately for what seemed like an eternity, I realized at that moment it was Joyce I wanted to be with. Before that moment, I let it be known that I was not committed to either girl. So I made the decision of letting Melanie go. She was very hurt, and I hated doing it because she was such a sweet girl. But like I said.. I had to do what I had to do.
Now she's all fucking HOT and shit. BTW, I suppose it would help if I told you that I remember her as THIS.

Pepper McGowan, one of the most sick and twisted girls I know. I've uncovered so many similarities between us.
I first heard her name mentioned in '99. It sounded so familiar to me.
Pepper McGowan, Pepper McGowan...
So I went to her website and read her bio. It was like deja vu the entire time. It seemed I knew this person already. Then I listened to her music. I was awestruck by how similar our music sounded... which was great because before her, I didn't have anyone that I could say closely resembled my music. I HAD to write her. We chatted a lot online and it was then when we uncovered many similar likes and dislikes, no matter how obscure (not unlike how it is with Sarah and I). It's nice to talk to her again and I brought up my hopes of performing with her sometime in the future. Her in-laws actually live close to me, though she'd never visit them.. so now I have 2 excuses to go to the Cleveland area again.

I didn't watch any of the Grammy's until I knew Eminem was about to perform. I wanted to see that duet with Elton John. Before it started, the president of the recording industry made a great speech about art and all it's many forms and how expression is the only undeniable key to the power art holds and we should never forget it or try to censor it. Then... the performance of Eminem doing "Stan" with Sir Elton John singing Dido's part, and playing piano.
And as the stage prop revolved around to reveal Elton singing along.... it happened. Tears started streaming down my face. I was filled with uncontrollable, undefinable emotion. My face, tightened up like a rubber band had wrapped itself around me, opening my mouth in a way that I looked like I was about to scream in agony. I watched, between the dampness in my eyes, one of the greatest moments in music. I'm sure you don't feel the same, but I was filled with such overwhelming emotion... I can't begin to describe. I haven't been able to cry for so long, but somehow that yanked it out of me... and it felt good. I want to say I was proud. So proud to see such an incredible thing. So proud to see people come together like that and give one of the biggest FUCK YOU's to the world. That makes me proud.

They finished the song and a lot were standing as they applauded. I lightly tapped my hands together as the tears kept coming, and my face still tightened. Why did that happen? I'm not sure... but I am glad it did. I told you the stupidest fucking things set me off, while the bigger things just either sink inside me, or float past me (I'm never quite sure). But I do know I'm pissed Fiona didn't win anything...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.20.2001

11:34:56 PM
Aww, she quoted me, now, too! And what a choice of words to quote me on!

(If I had anything more interesting to say, I would -- although I should mention that the host I chose to go with has not replied to my request. Just my luck...)
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:42:22 AM
I know I said I wouldn't blog but some things must be vented.

I just had an extremely lenghty chat with Sarah and it put me on a see-saw of happiness and depression.
On one hand, she makes me feel good. She makes me smile. We're connected in a way and have so much in common (except for the fact that she didn't like American Beauty, please don't make me get into that or I will explode!). She's brilliant in so many ways and has the modestly to prove it.
One the other hand, she lives in the UK, is a lesbian, and despises Americans.

Not that I blame her!
I mean, I am ashamed to be American at times -- never proud of it in the least. Happy, yes.... proud, no. Men are fools and deserve to be divided up into groups of "Idiots", "Liars", and "Assholes" and then shot in the face with a fucking bazooka. Being gay is saving her from so much trouble, unfortunatly it's probably causing her so much, too.
She'd "love" to visit the place that's been crammed down her throat all her life. I told her I would *love* to show it to her. Though the likelyhood of it ever happening is slim, I would like it very much.

RedRival is going down on Thursday. Please join The Coz List to keep up-to-date on what I'm doing about it. By the way... 3 people were added to the list just on Sunday. So come aboard and find out what they knew and you still don't. (hahahahaha)
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.19.2001

8:55:46 PM
If you're here... thank you.

I won't even bother blogging again until everything is safe. Please join the Coz List to find out when it is safe.

But in the meantime, look here:

"Maybe these aren't the shit times, maybe it'll
always be like this. Probably not for you. You
usually get what you want. I remember
though, my A level teacher was always talking
about Deferred Gratification. How us 6th
formers were doing the right thing, and we'd
get our rewards later, and they'd be better for
it. Then, they said the same thing at
university. I feel like I should be sending off
for my gratification now. Maybe it'll be like
when I applied for a provisional driving licence
last month. They wrote back saying, 'but
you're already allowed to drive until 2047
Sarah.' And I'd thrown out the last one
assuming it had run out. Maybe it'll be like
that. They'll say, you've already got your
gratification Sarah. This is how much you get."
~Sarah~
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.17.2001

12:27:20 AM
Testing?
Damn you, RedRival!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.16.2001

9:33:47 PM
Ditched again...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

6:15:19 PM
I can't get AIM to work.
I just tried calling Tami again because she never called me back. Guess what!

No answer. No answer on her cell or at her house. I swear to god this is her last chance. That's it. I've had it.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

4:45:52 PM
Yikes. She was hacked!
Again, I'd feel privelaged and honored that someone would even take the time to hack me. As long as they leave it alone like they did Sarah's.

I called Tami couple hours ago and we're still on for tonight. She was getting her nails done -- I'm sure it was for me!

Have you looked around the site, yet? It's all up to date! Go on... go on...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:08:19 AM
Laurita posted this link. I must do so as well, for I am "it".
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.15.2001

11:05:42 PM
So... You're saying 'you don't know'?

Sarah: I just can't go into iSketch before 9pm (my time) anymore. They're all a bunch of idiots and it frustrates me to no end! I was drawing the movie "Five Corners" and you know how easy that is.... one person got it. One fucking person. Argh!

The MIDI is in reference to the updated Bio, since there's not much substance in today's blog so far.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

10:30:51 PM
Every single page on the site has been updated in some way or form -- some major, some minor.

Please take the time to look around the site by going here and using the menu to the right. You might learn something!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

9:05:55 PM
Sarah's reasoning for not emailing is one that's most unique and extremely mature, let alone a true test of will power. So Sarah, what about AIM??? C'mon, that should be ok! c'mon c'mon c'mon c'mooooonnnnnnnnn!!! Coz AIM = "Garmonbozia boy"

If I had that many people emailing me like crazy, I'd do the same. In fact, some of your reasoning may be some of the reason I don't "snail mail" because I just never get around to it. But until my site starts getting popular and I start getting flooded with Daily MIDI requests (not one request, by the way, since the birth of The Daily MIDI) then I will ALWAYS have some means of communication posted on my site.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

7:54:52 PM
Ok, for Blogger to shut down for most of a day is excusable. But for them to not even mention it or apologize for it is just really not cool. They seem like nice people, too, but it appears as though they are denying it happened. I dunno.

After work, I was driving by Joyce's house. She sent me a "Happy Valentine's Day" email yesterday and I was a bit surprised. (Judy did, too so thanks Jude!) Anyway -- It had been my intention to calm down on Joyce and let her come to me. Which is always a bad idea with her, because she never does. So I stopped by and we talked for a bit. She broke up with her boyfriend -- and thought she had told me.... she didn't. So they're done! And she's been spending most of her nights not at her apartment, but at RICK'S! Who's Rick, you ask? Some guy she met...
Which is fine -- she's doing what she wanted to do. She still contests that she ONLY wants to be with me on an exclusive level as opposed to, say, Rick, who she's just having fun with. But I just *know* that they're gonna start getting serious and BOOM - out goes Coz (not that he's really in anything, now).

Judy also reminded me that I totally forgot to blog about the girl Stacey! She did write me -- on Monday.
She had this to say:

Dear Coz,
I'm sorry I didn't call you. I tried but my phone card was maxed out and I was so tired I just went straight to sleep. I'm confused. First of all, on what do I have to explain? I understand you are angry that I didn't call and did not have a chance to write. Is that it or do you have questions on what I had written for you? Assuming the latter is true, let me explain. I don't know what was up with me that weekend. On one hand, you're this incredible person that I am so happy to have in my life. But I think I was far too affectionate for you to still be comfortable. I didn't want to do that. I very much enjoyed being with you and I had made the decision before I left that I would do or say whatever I felt you needed at the time. But when I got there, I guess I needed some affection as well. That surprised me.

She had a few other paragraphs in there that didn't pertain to what I was mad at. So there you have it... as innocent as can be. I wrote her back telling her that wasn't the reason I was so mad. I have not heard from her.

Oh, and wow! Finally someone else who commented on the MIDI! THANK YOU!!! This girl is great!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:14:37 AM
No, Sarah.. you're no stalker. And even if you were, I'd still love it. I always wanted a stalker. In that sick sort of egomaniacal way... a stalker would be such a compliment. Of course, I'd want them to be the silent type and definitely not the killing type. Just someone who's quietly obsessed with me. Almost like a secret admirer-- I've always wanted one of those, too. But I guess since I never have, I'm at the point where a stalker would make up for all the lost time without a secret admirer.
And please, don't take down your blog! There are so few blogs I read daily!! I need it! Argh!
I do agree with you on the G.W.B. issues. Don't worry, we don't like him, either. He's already had an assassination attempt (almost).
As far as your gbook notes, I have no idea what you just said. And... I don't mind how it is, really. You know, this would be a lot easier if I could write these things privately in an email and not have to bore the rest of the world with these statements.

Time for a new MIDI. And time for bed.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.14.2001

10:39:11 PM
So I was scheduled to work 9-5 today, but was called over to another store to work from 5:30 to 9pm. All day -- and now I gotta be back at work at 9am. I really.... REALLY hate shift work.

I talked to Tami. Y'know I hate it when you're mad at someone for something and then they have this perfectly legitimate excuse?! Argh. Ok, so it wasn't perfectly legit, but it was a good one, anyway. We're scheduled to go out Friday night now, so she can diss me again.

It's not until I read things like this that I realize just how American I am. I'm not sure what that means, but it really does mean something. It's like... when I'm out with an older woman, it's only then I realize just how young I am; how much more mature I CAN be. I guess that's part of the reason I like hanging around older people because they are able to indirectly show me my faults on being an adult and then I can begin to work on them.

THIS, you HAVE to see -- and laugh your fucking ass off. God! As pathetic as I am, I look like Brad Pitt compared to him!
[link found at Stile's Place]
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

9:59:16 PM
Oh yeah. Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.

And uh, Blogger is really fucking up... BAD.
It's pissing me off... BAD!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

9:38:14 PM
(I am so sorry! This was written and supposed to be posted last night, but alas, no Blogger was found. This morning -- still no access to Blogger. I apologize for the random nature of the subjects.)

After reading "timtom" (Sarah's) gnocchi-book entry, I wanted to put an editors note below it. At this time, it will not allow me to. So I'll post it here.

"You make me smile. That's not an easy thing to do. I can tell your words hold truth and not emptiness. To simplify things: It makes me feel good. I just wish I could email you.
Thank you. Honestly, thank you."

At the time of writing this, Blogger will not let me get it. I want to go to bed, but I need to blog! I need to change the MIDI. Why, I don't know.
So few people pay that close attention. At this point, I think only one does... and that's Sarah, herself. I guess that's why I really do feel a bit special. She checks the site multiple times a day, and I'm actually starting to feel like I need to keep up with her! I feel if I'm not updating or blogging enough, then she'll get bored already. And forget to come a few times until there's no more www.cozbaldwin.com on her list of Favorites.
Stupid fucking things affect me like you would not believe. Things you'd never expect to... do. And then of course the big things that happen don't jolt me much.
Dammit, why won't you give me an email address! You won't even sign up for the Coz List because then I'll know the email along with all other members.
Don't worry, though... I find it intriguing.

Still no Blogger.

Ack! Why the dependancy?! I really am an Information Junkie.
I'm sorry. I must get to bed so I can be up on time. I'm sorry this wasn't posted in time.
Hopefully I'll have some time in the morning to post.

Wow! She vamped up her site! My lord! How are all those things done?! I wish I had some kind of web publisher. Maybe someone will be kind enough to buy me Frontpage. I know it's gotta be in there. I know nothing. I barely know html, I do NOT know java, but I do know how to shut out a good portion of visitors just by having iFrames.
And a blog. She has a blog. *smile*
Apparently, I speak strange. Them Brit's are a wierd bunch, but you gotta love their accents.
As far as my guestbook goes, Sarah... it's been giving that message since July. So everytime someone new signs, I have to go in there and "refresh" it so it shows up on the actual book. It's a pain and I'd love to get a new book, but I really like their layout and freedom of use.

Everytime I hear the song "Yellow" by Coldplay, I want to cry.
But I can't seem turn it off. Only one will understand.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.13.2001

8:38:47 PM
So get this.
Tami was supposed to come to my store around 4:30 to take care of some business and then I don't know if she was planning on sticking around or what, but we were going to go out after I got done at 7. I talked to her 2 times during the course of the day and both times confirmed her coming over.
4:30 rolls around and no Tami. 5, 6, 7:00 and still no Tami. She left her work on time but no one's seen her and her cell is, of course, not available.
Another diss.
WHAT THE FUCK!

I did, however, have a good day at work. Everyone was just in a good mood I guess and a lot of joking around was done. Check out this picture, which is absolutely hilarious to us, but may not be as funny to you. In it are Rich the boss, Me, Bruce from another store, Brooks, and Lynn. Man, it's funny.

::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

3:47:54 AM
I was convinced to go meet Callie and her "guy" at Denny's only to find that she had to leave immediatly. So luckily a few friends of mine were up there and I hung out with them. After that, a couple of us went to the one girl Megan's house to play PlayStation. I was there until 3:30am. I have to be up at 9:30am, so I'll be leaving for bed soon.
But this guy of Callie's was a bit too nice. The first thing he says to me is "Youre the man, Coz." He listened to my CD and wants a copy. "You're the man, Coz. I mean.. you sing and play piano and all at the same time... and you do it well. That takes talent!"
"You're the man, Coz"

I've been getting a lot of hits from Sarah's site. Well, actually her guestbook. I have a feeling a lot of the hits are from her. 90% looks like it's the same person from the UK. Hello Sarah. Thanks for boomarking me! I feel speshul.

Tomorrow, Tami claims she'll take me out. Let's see if it happens. If I had more to say, or perhaps even something worth a deep thought, I would surely hand it to you. But you'll have to settle for just knowing I am going to bed at this point. Until next time... You're the man!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.12.2001

3:06:32 PM
Tami was really in the hospital last night. Nothing too serious, but whatever.

An Information Junkie is what I've been dubbed after reading that.
This site, I will warn you, is not for the weak at heart. Iif you decide to click that link, you will dive into a world you may have never wanted to see. It may completely change your outlook of me for being a daily reader of the site. But I do not care. It's what I can relate to and it helps to immunize me to the world and know what really goes on out there. That site is for mature readers only -- if you can't take it, then you're not mature enough to handle it. If you don't get it, then you're not mature enough to get it. If you LOVE what you see there, then you're way too immature to read it. But if it amuses you, if it makes you think, if it helps you in some way... then you know you're mature enough.

I've been scared to link to him for a long time, now, for fear of how it will make me look. Maybe I'll regret it, but it's a risk I have to take when I begin the process of breaking out of my shell and showing my inside. Take of it what you will.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:33:44 AM
I am so tired. And I'm happy because of that. I like when I'm tired when it's early because then I can actually get to bed at a decent hour and not have to force it. I'm sure, though, that once I lay down I won't be able to fall asleep.

That girl Sarah's site can be found HERE. It's a real nice site and I am super-flattered that she actually complimented me on my design. She's got a cool little contest going on there at her site. She's a british lesbian -- you can't get a better combination! (I'm not sure what that meant, exactly, but I like it nonetheless) ALong the way of her site you'll see a bunch of cool little things we have in common. She is a huge fan of Grant Lee Phillips/Buffalo, and I am one of about 300 in the U.S. that's ever heard of him. Their first album is amazing. I don't own any others, but I push "Mighty Joe Moon" on to everyone. It's a classic. Man, I really want to hear that now, too. Gotta go find it.
She also seems to be a fan of Mike Leigh! I forgot to mention this one to her, but hopefully she'll read this. Before American Beauty came out, I had a favorite film. I had it for a few years. No one ever heard of it... it was called "Naked". It is brilliant, it is genius, it is so breathtakingly beautiful and thought provoking, there will never be another film anywhere near similar to it. I own it. I make people watch it. I invite others to see into my world through it. I scare people with it...
It was a Mike Leigh film.

She thought I was gay. That's what she meant by musical.... she thought I was gay.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.11.2001

9:02:45 PM
Oh my lord. This is getting really rediculous, now...

Tami's phone is still unavailable, she hasn't called me, and as I said she didn't show up for the meeting. This is the 3rd female in one week that's diappeared on me. Of course, I know she'll turn up, like the rest of them and it has nothing to do with me.... but still! It's the wierdest shit!

In other news, I met an admirer of www.cozbaldwin.com at iSketch earlier. Sarah's her name. So... hi Sarah! She was kind enough to actually check out my site as I tell people to in my profile and she seemed to really like it.

Thanks! (But I still don't know what you mean when you said "I thought you'd be a little more musical in your blog")
She also reminded me that I should put iSketch in my Links section. I'll do that now.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

6:47:40 PM
Well! Tami didn't show up for the meeting at work and her cell phone is unavailable! She *promised* that because she cancelled last night, we'd go out to dinner tonight. I still can't get ahold of her.

People at work are starting to suspect..... hehehe.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2:28:30 AM
And again... we talked for about another hour, at least. She's really going through a tough time right now. I am super tired and have been playing iSketch for hours and hours tonight. Time to go rest up for work.
Ha!

Only one song can be used today for the Daily MIDI. Even though the post was posted "yesterday".
See you all later.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.10.2001

8:39:10 PM
"Oops, I did it again..."

I called Tami and she was in Jersey going to stay with her mom. I told her I was going to force her out and so I asked her where in Jersey she was. Then she got all gooey and said "you mean you'd come all the way to Jersey to take me out?" ...and other gooey things.
She told me her mom has her son and she can't leave the house once she sees him. She doesn't get to as often as she'd like. If it wasn't for that she'd go out "in a heartbeat". But she asked me to dinner tomorrow night. She promises she'll keep that date. I just have a wierd feeling because of the way she was talking. I hope she's smart enough to realize that a 34 and 21 year old won't mesh. Well, she is that smart.. but she may be too depressed and vulnerable right now to realize it fully. I should really start watching myself with her. The way we talk you'd really think something was going on between us. At work we're constantly joking around and "touching" -- it's fun, and we discussed tonight how we're sure a rumor will be floating around soon. That's all the company is.... rumors and gossip. Don't trust anyone.
I've been curious as to how much she's really joking around with me, and I'm sure it has been mostly joking. As of recent, I'm reconsidering that. But I can't ask cuz that'll ruin the whole thing, regardless of the answer. Eek... Could I fuck her? Would I? It's a tough question I hope I won't have to answer. You know how I have trouble saying "no." I have done it before, though! But you also know how I am with older women! It's like... almost a challenge! And the older the woman, the greater the conquer! I know that sounds bad, but hey... I'm a guy. That's my nature. So fuck it. A 34 year old would be an amazing victory. But how far does one go??? Argh.......

Sex: Gotta love it.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

7:45:28 PM
Ah!!!! I just got home from work and I hop online and wouldn't ya know.... Tina hops on. She's fine. She's just been busy and never got to read any mail. *bags head on wall*
She thinks I'm hyper, now. How much worse of a first impression can I make??? I'm never like this, but she's been catching me at the worst times. Dammit. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

Tami is trying to cancel on me tonight. I'm gonna call her in a bit and try to convince her to go out. She's in the process of packing up all her possessions and moving out of her boyfriend's house. She wants to get it all done tonight... so she asked if I'd be disappointed if she cancelled. I said yeah. She said she'll let me know if she CAN go out later. But I know I won't hear from her -- so I'm calling her! It's Saturday night, for Christ's sake. I need to go out. No, I don't. Yes, I do. Shut up, you. Fuck off!
And fuck you, too, Marc Edelstein!!!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:35:06 AM
(Supposed to have been posted Friday night... Wouldn't let me.)

RedRival went down today, again, with no advance warning. Sorry.

I called Stacey's house today and talked to her dad. He says she has been home but she wasn't there when I called. At least I know she's alive.
Tina, on the other hand... is still MIA. I can't decide how worried I should be. I think I'm going to check out the net and try to find a local newspaper online and see if there was any reports of dead or missing Tina's...

I'm going out Saturday night again with Tami from work. At least I'm doing something.
It's funny writing these blogs and each paragraph about a different girl. I know it must sound like I'm a player or something. But each is completely different from the other in my relationship with them. Hell... I don't even *know* Tina, really. So just know that it's not as "bad" as it looks. They're just seperate people in my life right now and all happen to be female, and all happen to be affecting my life in different ways.
I wonder if Tina read these blogs and got scared or something. Thought I was some kind of whore. Or maybe she didn't like the fact that I talked about her online. I may not be so open about everything if I knew a lot of people saw it. I mean... what, 4 people may see this? So what.
Or there's the possibility that she's dead. Either way, I wrote a few emails just telling her to at least email me and let me know she's OK. Whether she likes me or not... just let me know that much. Still, nothing.

That's all I have to say for now. I just wish I knew why the simplest things have to be so difficult in my life.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.9.2001

12:57:51 AM
Hey! Something new for you all.

Finally, a page that tells all about The Daily MIDI! It's now linked at the bottom to the words "The Daily MIDI", but you can access it HERE, too. Check it out!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.8.2001

11:56:01 PM
This is really wierd...
I just found a few days ago that Riffage.com went off the air. No, I didn't get an email from them telling me. I also just got a letter from IUMA.com saying they're basically shutting down the site, but staying online and allowing visitors to still check out bands and hear them, though I doubt that will last much longer, either. Also, RedRival, my host, is on the verge of breakdown. They're trying to avoid it by issuing pop-up ads on member sites (THIS!) but of course, they really don't want to resort to that, so they're trying to get around that, too. (Won't happen.)

This whole internet crash is true. I never believed it when the news stories would report on it, because I didn't see how it was possible. I still don't, but it is happening. Are people really that bored of it already? I think what it is, is that the Dotcommers just invested way too much money way too far in advance, and planned for a future that they were unsure of. Now, they're not getting the hits they used to, and suffering because of it. The internet will always be around. It has to be. There's no way that people are going to stop using it. They might as well have stopped using the telephone 10 years after its creation. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. But the hype of the net is over. It's not BOOMING, it's just *there*. Companies will be able to survive, and do it comfortably, but only if they start getting smart on what they spend on.

In the brilliant words of Niniane: "Stupids."

I was just talking to Tom about my dilemma and it just really got me super-worried. Mainly about Stacey, because at least with Tina, it's only been a day and we really don't know each other that well. Stacey, on the other hand came here not telling her parents (I wonder who she called, though to pick her up from the train station) and never has let me know that she arrived home, or even to say hi. I'd at least expect that! I don't know, man.... I'm really, really worried.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

10:10:27 PM
Ok, I am beginning to REALLY worry, now. Not only have a still have yet to hear from Stacey, but I haven't heard from Tina, either! Now I know TIna's got a computer at work and at home. I'm freaking out big time over here.

In better news, I got a camcorder from work today. Free.
It was sent to be repaired because the viewfinder was messed up. It had been sitting in our back room for a few years now. We got ahold of the people and they originally didn't want it because the cost of repair would be too high -- now it's been a few years and they surely don't want it. So... I asked my manager if could take it. "Sure" So during work I was playing aorund with it and began to hit it a few times. The viewfinder works, now. There are just a few other things that don't but they're not necessary. Now I have to buy a few accessories like a battery and a charger, a tape and an VHS/VHS-C adapter -- then I'm set!
Who would like to be my first actress??? It would be a supporting role...... you'd be supporting me on top of you!

I really am getting scared, though.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1:26:09 AM
"Once my lover, now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend. What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover and now my friend.
Oh, you creep up like the clouds and you set my soul at ease. Then you let your love abound and you bring me to my knees."

I had a semi-date tonight. I feel like I was killing her with my sob stories. Not a good thing to do after she got sick of her last boyfriend going in and out of depression so much.... she ended it.
**Coz = dummy**
I did have a nice time, though. Pretty girl, indeed. 27 years of age. (god I love those older women) Quiet and innocent type, but judging from the two tattoos she has, I'm sure she's not all sugar and spice.
But I developed a bad headache so I don't feel like diving into anything here. But I'm curious about how her sexual side is. Whether we remain friends or not, whether it becomes something more or not, I'm still curious. That's how I am. ESPECIALLY with the "innocent" ones. Always makes me wonder... but not something to ask the first time you meet them, normally.

I needed that. I feel better. If you're watching: Thanks.
Oh yeah, and she paid for our drinks, too!! We met in a parking lot and took her car to look for someplace to eat. We only found a bar that had no food being served. But when we left, she actually unlocked and opened my door before getting in, herself! Amazing!
*I* don't even do that!

Tired. Hungry. Must go to sleep...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.7.2001

2:05:57 PM
This is not the depression talking, but...
I am going to die soon.

I'm not sure how... It's leaning more towards falling deathly ill in some way. It's a feeling. A strong feeling. But it also makes sense, too. I've done all I can. I know I'm young, but there's nothing for me... there's nothing LEFT for me. I am a rock in the middle of a desert. I have no purpose. I have no soul.
I am inanimate.
I'm breaking out into rashes and there are pimples popping up in places they've never appeared before. Random and alone -- like the beginning stages of a disease.

I will die soon. There is no reason for me not to. There are only reasons I should.
This is not the depression talking...

(also: the CellOne office just was told they are closing down the call center leaving room for no employment. I did not get the job, for there are no jobs available anymore. Need another reason?)
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

9:17:01 AM
About to go to CellOne (Cingular) and try to get re-hired.

It looks like Niniane and I will be taking a break from talking for awhile. We'll see how that goes.
Ohh welll.....
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

1:49:31 AM
Yo yo yo... givin' da shoutouts to Tina if she be watchin' --- 'sup, grrrl.
OK, that was uncalled for.

Still no word from Stacey.
Finally getting down to the nitty gritty of Niniane and I.
Turns out I was right in one of my theories. She was never in love in the first place.
[insert knife HERE]
Now I can go on living in my proverbial hell... (and she can live happily with her soulmate)

Too tired, too sad, too fucked up, too bored to write anymore. My stomach is churning from mental anguish. Why can't I hibernate? Why must I be human? Why must I have bills to worry about when I don't have the energy or capacity to? Why should it matter? Why hasn't anyone come forth and killed me like I pleaded for them to? Why does my computer like to shut down and freeze up whenever it wants to?
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.5.2001

11:15:03 PM
My father has just told me that his cardiologist ruled last week as a heart attack.

I still have not heard from Stacey. I tried calling her house where she's staying with her parents (very rude people) and they didn't even know about her trip. I talked to her father who hadn't seen her or heard form her, nor did he show much concern, either. He mentioned she doesn't tell them much. Not a very pleasant man but he did tell me that he'd let her know I was concerned even though he didn't have the foggiest idea who I was. She could have easily stayed overnight at one of her friends house, or this guy she's dating. But she's got kids at the parent's house. I'm starting to really get curious on a lot of things, here...

Why! Why the fuck do I always find the most FUCKED up people?! There's a reason I made the description for this blog "100% drama, guaranteed" Because it never ends!! Argh!

There's surrounding towns that got 10" of snow, 8" of snow, and 5" of snow. I think we got somewhere around 5" - 8". Got out of work early, but not early enough in my opinion. Perfect snowball snow, too.
But alas, there is no one to play with anymore...

(P.S. - I really wanted to find "Informer" by Snow for the Daily MIDI. Couldn't, find it, though)
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

7:08:44 PM
There's a little bit o' snow out there, eh gov'na?
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2:18:36 AM
...an unmentioned note left behind for me, from Stacey.

"How lucky is the woman who captures your heart.
To be the one you reach for in the night.
To be the one you dream of in your slumber.
How fortunate to have your soul!
How beautiful to share your future.
To be the one you write songs for.
To be the one you sing to.
To be the subject of your poetry.
How lucky to have your love!
And yet, I smile, or half try to...
For how lucky am I to have known you,
touched you,
kissed you."

One would assume: not that lucky.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:43:43 AM
Remember when I was telling you how lazy people are in San Francisco? And all the misspellings around the place?

Someone agrees....
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.4.2001

11:49:01 PM
Now I have to face the fact that Niniane is already seeing someone - not that that suprises me, but it's different when it becomes a fact. I'm sure I don't even have to ask who it is, either.
Boy, I hate when people hide things from me, especially when I ask them not to. This would be the second time I've been told something about their relationship and it turns out to be completely false. That's another thing I tend to not like at all...
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

11:12:23 PM
The day began and I was stifled with sadness and fear. I wasn't sure why, but I couldn't shake it. Stacey tried prying it out of me and started getting worried that it was her doing. She wrote me a note that seemed to secure my fear that she had fallen in love with me. Between that, and the constant affection (hugging, kissing, holding of hands, placing my hand on her cheek, and sex) I was saddened by the fact that I did not feel the same.
But I couldn't pinpoint the fear. The fear being that I was going to let her go...crying.

The day went on and we didn't do anything special. Night began to fall and the time came to take her to the train. We arrive early at the Lansdowne station and after a little interogation, I tell her that it's so wonderful to have someone treat me the way that she has... but I am not able to return it. She began to cry.
We get on the train bound for 30th Street Station and began the quest to find where they were keeping her purse. We were sent back and forth between 2 stops to find out where it was and she got it. Along the way, she asked what I meant by what I had said. I didn't know how to explain it but she interrupted me with "Because I'm not in love with you, if that's what you think..."
As it turns out... she wasn't. She could see how I would get that impression, though. (You would have thought the same thing.... trust me!) So I explained my side and she explained hers. Everything's cool. She started crying because so many times in the past her friends began to practice one-way friendship with her. She'd give and give.... they would not. I, on the other hand, (not to sound egotistical) have had many instances where girls would fall in love with me far too soon and I didn't feel the same. I thought it had happened again.

We left with a kiss and I'm still awaiting her "I'm home" call.

I had a nice time.

(By the way... we went to Denny's Saturday night and I saw Renee. She actually saw me first and as they were leaving, she poked me and said hi. Then I freaked her out with my overactive PenCam)
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

12:52:19 AM
(Pretend this was posted last night.... I was trying, but the FTP stream was down.)

I awoke an hour after I wanted to. Made it to 30th street station just as her train was pulling in. We didn't spot eachother for a little while (This due to the fact that she was in the bathroom...)
But I stood, leaning against the wall, staring at all the people in the station, searching for a long black skirt and red top. After a few minutes, I found what I had been searching for. There she stood, talking to the man in the infomation booth and peering out across the crowd. I began to walk over to her and within 10 feet of her, she turned and we knew who we were looking at.
We hugged for a while and began to find the way back to the train that took us back to here, Lansdowne.
We did so, and she realized she had left her purse at the station.

It's still there...

So far today we had breakfast at a little hole in the wall, here in Lansdowne. Hung out awhile here at home...
Then decided to go get something to eat. I took her to Nifty Fifty's and then we proceeded to search for a hotel/motel. We took a nap once we found a place and woke up around 9pm. Went to go see "Snatch". Good movie. Funny. Very P.T.A.-esque (That's Paul Thomas Anderson, to you...) in the direction and fast moving / stop motion type cinematography. Reminded me of Magnolia at a few instances.

ANYWAY.... I'm back here for a few minutes to gather up her things with her, and to Denny's we go!
Then it's to the motel and that'll be it for awhile. She plans on leaving sometime in the afternoon. Nothing scheduled for tomorrow as of yet.

Have fun in the meantime. See you soon.
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.3.2001

1:17:39 AM

This is me. This is my "Stortrooper", rather.
...they're all the rage.

So I should go to bed now so I can wake up on time to meet Stacey. I'm starting to get a little nervous...
There's really not much else on my mind right now and nothing really worth mentioning.
Oh! I came up with a joke today :-)

What did the electrician say to Nolan Ryan?

"Socket to me."

I have a reputation for coming up with the stupidest jokes. So dumb that they're funny. (Don't even *think* about asking me what others I have are...)
How charming...
Goodnight, all. I don't know if I'll be blogging tomorrow night, for I will be in some motel.... and not here. Though I may get a chance during the day.
Until then...!
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.2.2001

12:00:38 AM
So tonight I ended up going out with Tami from work (Tami = 34 years old, separated from hubby, 11 year old boy). We went to Al E. Gator's. Had a few drinks and shared a plate of nachos, talked about childhood, love + relationships, and alchoholism. Then we made mad, passionate love right there on the bar. No, no, no... just kidding about that last part.
.....it was actually in the bathrooms.
NOOOoooo, no no ......... I'm just joking. No sex. But it was an interesting couple hours.

That's really all I have to say.
*shrug*
::Coz::
....................................................................................................................................

2.1.2001

1:25:15 AM
Thanks.... that was beautiful.
::Coz::
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