12.30.2000
Whnever this shit lets me go through and post all this crap, I'll just skip everything and tell you I got the new PenCam. These are some pics I took at work:
Brooks -- Sarah -- Rich (manager)-- Jim -- Karen (regional supervisor) -- Me (in bathroom)-- Niniane's Picture on the wall-- Another shot of that
Random shot at diner -- AVI for Niniane (I'm so pathetic...)
Shut up! The thing was $80, do you expect it to do better?!
She says she can't wait till I'm there (16 days!!!) and I believe her. But I know the excitement is lost. I know the truth... I can feel it. It's not like it used to be before all this shit happened. It' ok, though. When I do arrive things will change. For better or for worse, but things will change. I hope to god that it's for the better, but the way it looks now, this trip will be the defining point in our still-infant, but overwhelming relationship. I know that if it does end, life will go on and eventually someone else will come along. Unfortunatly, I cannot imagine another person ever being as eternally beautiful as she. You must live life with as little regrets as possible. I do not want to regret holding on to something that doesn't want me. And I don't want her to regret anything as well. Merry Christmas Eve Eve, folks.
A person who I knew in the TOOL chatroom, of whom I never knew the real identity of, and who was such a mystery to me and yet they paid full attention to me and only me was finally revealed to me when I revisited the chatroom tonight for the first time in many months. It was yet another familiar name I knew in the chat who I never talked to much at all. How cool is that?! Thelisse, I thank you eternally. By your simple actions, you've managed to do what no one has been able to do in awhile. Cheer me up... make me smile... and make me realize my own advice that even my problems are not the end of the world.
Now all I need is a glimpse of my love, who I hope still is my love. The one I will see in 17 days! Fucking 17, man! GOD!!!! I can't believe it's so soon!! I think I'm going to pass out... But before I do, I just would like everyone to pay attention for one moment to me. Thank you. *passes out*
Quite an exhausting 11 hour day at work today, and I am so lucky to go in tomorrow from 10-8. Fuckin' A. ...and the crowd cheers loudly.
Brooks from work invited me over for a few beers. It was nice to be more on a friendly level with a male co-worker. They usually think of me as some idiot kid. And, after a few beers I was able to tell him this, and how I hate when people think they know me when they really have no idea. I also confronted him on the past few times he's "pity-invited" me. He claims that he doesn't do stuff like that but with his type of personality it's hard to tell. I had a fairly nice time, though. It's snowing out. It's almost to an inch. By morning, there may be another inch or so. Friday we're supposed to get dumped on again much worse. The snow, no matter how much I may hate the cold, really can be beautiful. It enstills peace, almost, if your mind is open to it. It makes looking around town a bit more comforting. I just wish I could spend these moments with someone. I wish I could spend them with her. My weekly schedule has been revised and now I am working 46 hours this week. Jeeezus! There may be some downtime Wednesday and/or Thursday night. Be afraid... be very afraid. And, I think the person who did this MIDI had a bit too much eggnog while recording this... Well, all for now my jolly, fat friends. Have a good night. God Bless.
If your religion doesn't celebrate Christmas, don't get upset... either does mine.
"Sleep well" she says, "I love you." Only if it lasts, my dear... and I love you, too.
At the same time, I have a feeling this may not be the last I hear of him. My spider sense tells me that after a while of trying to just be her friend, he will strike again. This is something I don't look forward to, Diane. (reference to Twin Peaks)
For what it's worth... I love you. Though my emotions have surpassed what any language could ever hope to express. In 23 days you will know what love is.
A kiss has interrupted our relationship. A kiss by her to a guy named Sonny. You may remember Sonny as "Cher" in a previous blog. This is not the fault of anyone but human nature. A distanced love can grow lonely. Needing the touch of another human being. I understand this, and am guilty of it myself. It's what the final decision is that matters. What is more important? The touch, or the love? Having faith that one day that distanced love will be close at hand and give you anything you need... or a hand or pair of lips that can service your needs now. I, too, am guilty, my distanced love, of giving in to temptation. The touch of another for one brief moment in time. But in the end I knew it was you that I need most of all. It's sad that my distrust of you and anyone else stems from my own mistakes. This, I intend to stop immediatly. In order to trust you I place my cards on the table. I cannot hide my skeletons any longer if I wish to trust you, and in hopes that you will trust me as well.
Fuck you.
Please be aware that downtime will occur this weekend while upgrades and maintenance are being performed. Thanks,
Yes? No?
*sigh* I was just talking to Niniane's mom making sure Niniane was alright. I haven't seen her in 2 nights (including tonight so far). I wanted to tell her mom. I just wanted to say "You know I love her, right?" 'Cause I figure she's gotta have some inkling of it. I just want it out there. I want to be able to say freely to her and anyone else that I love Niniane with all my heart. Especially her mother. I hope I can soon. I almost did tonight, but.. it's just not my place to. it would be worse if she was told by me rather than her.
Sleep well, my love.
Exhausting day. Didn't sell much of anything, but managed to still rank #2 for the day, I think. If all works out, I'll have a few big slaes in the next few days from people who looked at things and seemed like they're coming back. (They almost never do, though)
It got to me. Ever since I started working (period) I always wanted to meet someone at work and become friends with them. Someone I could ask if they wanted to go out after work or something. It never happened. I never hang out with anyone outside of work. Then to see he asked this 17 year old kid over me was a bit insulting. Don't get me wrong, I like Gavin, but still... I don't get it. And no, that was NOT an invite Brooks made, there. That was a pity remark. I don't want that and I won't accept that. Earlier in the day, I learned that a man I work with had his last day yesterday. He was one of the most interesting people I've ever met. You gotta watch what you say to him. He either likes you or hates you and he'll let you know of that, too. Well, he didn't tell me anything about him leaving. Not even when he left for the day (forever) yesterday. Again... insulting. It depressed me. No.... no. That's not it. Unless I'm having delusions of grandure (thanks, John) I feel like I just don't get any respect from anyone anymore. Work, and the web, mainly. With friends, I've always had an issue with people walking all over me and not respecting me. After a while, it tends to dig deep inside you no matter how much you try to keep it out. People don't seem to take notice to my site like they do other bloggers. That is, until they get to read it a few times... but that's rare. People at work must have some preconceived notion of who I am outside of work... obviously Brooks doesn't think I'm that much of a fun guy. People at school were the same way. No one ever took the time to get to know me. When they did (like if I got the balls up to go to a small party)... I'd get compliments like "I never knew you were so funny! Come back anytime!" and the like. I just don't understand what it is that turns people away from me so quickly. I'd like to change that. I have tried.
I love her with all my heart.
Deal.
There you are, love. A new picture page.
Someone's gonna get a new background image for their pic page...
But, alas, I seriously must get to bed. Working at 10, you see.
Swimming around in the dead pool, What's this movie entitled? How can you just sit here all day Wake up, wake up. Standing in the middle of a holocaust, Where's the burn spot above my head? I need a special holiday. Wake up, wake up. Standing in the middle of a holocaust,
Today I... no that wasn't me. I didn't do much really. Watched the Eagles win! And the Flyers, too! Go Philly Go Philly Go Philly. *SLAP* sorry... I had a thought tonight as I was driving my car: Not only would I like you guys to review the show... how about a chance for all of you who own a CD to write a review of the CD, too!?
::Coz::
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12.29.2000
.....aaaare we up, yet?
::Coz::
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12.25.2000
Supposedly, RedRival will be back up sometime tonight... so if this goes through, I'd just like to say Merry Christmas!!! I'll be back blogging soon.
::Coz::
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12.23.2000
El Niniane is sick:-( I hope you feel better, dear!!!
RedRival is currently down and no one may see this till who knows when... but oh well.
It may sound like my feelings have changed for her, but it's the opposite. My love for her has deepened drastically the past week. So much so, that It has come to the point where I realize it's so great, that I must be willing to let her go if that's what she wants. As the saying goes... "If you love something, set it free. If it never comes back, it was never meant to be." I believe in that. It's called fate. Through all the misery and depression and apathy that I am saturated with, the one belief I have is the one that keeps me going... fate. I truly feel this was meant to be -- and therefore I am willing to let it go. And hell, if not, then, as mentioned, it was never meant to happen anyway. Which would truly be a shame.
::Coz::
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12.22.2000
It's so late. I must get to bed. I'm sorry I missed you, Niniane. Have a good night -- and that goes for the rest of you, too! But I don't love you like I do her...
::Coz::
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Wow. I am smiling at the moment, and that's a good thing.
::Coz::
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I woke up this morning an hour AFTER I was already supposed to be in work. Oops.
Had my 9 hour day. Talked with Mary Bochanski from "next door" a bit. We exchanged our relationship issues and decided since she can't talk to too many people about hers, that we should get together again sometime. Nice girl. For all those that don't know, she's Andy's (from Currently BLEU) sister.
Callie called me over after work. She's having bad times with her beau, as well. I brought her a stromboli and we talked for a bit. Then I left.
I get home to a drunken, screaming father. A father who's company switched to a different health plan (without any consent from the employees) and now he'll have to spend at least $60 a month on his prescriptions. He walked out of work. He has been home trying to calm down... drinking along the way. So I talked with him a bit. Calmed him down some and explained that without talking to the owners, no one will know what he has to go through. You must regain control. Question authority!! There's nothing to fear but fear itself! I have a dream...!! That's one small step for man -- one giant leap for mankind!
There is not one person I know right now who is happy. Not one single person. This is a tremendously stressful time of year for everyone and when we take it out on others it makes it worse by just causing a domino effect. Listen.... relax. Just... everyone relax. Whatever it is that's making your days so bad, I assure you it's not the end of the world. This holiday season is almost over and things will be a bit better, if not completely better afterwords. Just take some time and think about how you're acting; How you're treating yourself, and others around you. Regain control and just plain fucking relax.
::Coz::
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12.21.2000
..and yet another MIDI programmed, no doubt, by a guy drunk on eggnog.
::Coz::
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"Think for yourself - question authority.
Think for yourself - question authority.
Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening, terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are or where we're going in this ocean of chaos, has been the authorities. The poilitical, the religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by giving us order, rule, regulatons. Informing... forming in our minds their view of reality.
To think for yourself you must question authority and learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable openmindedness, chaotic, confused vulnerability to inform yourself.
Think for yourself - question authority.
Think for yourself - question authority."
::Coz::
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I always am surprised and flattered when I see a referral from a search engine query of "Coz Baldwin". Two today! One on AOL the other on MSN! Who are these people? Where are they hearing of me and can I please molest them?! I wish people would write me or leave me a message on the guestbook and/or message board. "Contact" section, people.... c'mon, reach out and touch me!
::Coz::
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12.20.2000
"Question authority...... think for yourself..."
In the midst of all the Christmas spending, I bought myself the new TOOL boxset. Yessss. Live recordings of some songs and a VHS (or DVD) of videos and/or live performances (I haven't watched it yet)
"Question authority...... think for yourself..."
These are the opening words of the CD. Heed them.
The guy in Wawa told me I haven't been looking so good lately -- asked if I've been working long hours and told me to take it easy. Long hours, indeed, but my little Wawa friend, I think I'm more stressed out over Niniane. She's all I can think of. It wears me out just from thinking about her so much these days.
"Pry-ing-o-pen-my-third-eye--Pry-ing-o-pen-my-third-eye--Pry-ing-o-pen-my-third-eye........."
::Coz::
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Hi-ho, there neighbor.
Hey, that reminds me... Earlier in the day I was helping a customer. Going beyond the call of duty, shall we say... and as I was hanging up with him on the phone to let him know the situation he thanks me and says "and God bless!" ---- Boy, that freaks me out when people do that. I understand whyyyyy.... I just don't understand... why. Umm. I don't know. It just freaks me out, we'll leave it at that. I don't like it. I don't even like when people "bless" me after sneezing. I never say it. I feel like such a hypocrite when I do. And when I don't I feel like such an asshole because it's considered RUDE to NOT say it! Damn damn damn -- Me and my athiesm! (heh.. find the irony there?)
::Coz::
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12.19.2000
Goodnight fair readers... I'm off to a better place
(I'm assuming...)
::Coz::
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And so begins the Christmas Daily MIDI's. Remember, you can always request a Daily MIDI!
::Coz::
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*act natural, Coz... act natural...*
::Coz::
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HOLY Moses.... when did it become today?
::Coz::
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12.18.2000
Man, I hate shift work. I can't wait for this trip on so many levels. Not only for the obvious reasons, but then I can get out of Ritz and move on to somewhere else. I'm hoping Cell One will rehire me. That would be very nice. I just need more money badly, and this fucking shift work... ugh. I got a message this afternoon asking if I could come in at all. I could have but I like to have my days off. Besides, I'm working straight through Saturday at least, anyway. I called work to tell them I couldn't but for an hour no one picked up the phone which one would assume it means they are very busy. Good. Schedule more people,. and you won't have this problem. No one to put on? Put ome more people in the store! My manager is not really to blame for all of this, but his fatty district supervisor. Won't let him hire more people. Actually took some people OFF the schedule entirely who were only working one day a week. Ahh, what do you care....
::Coz::
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A Boy And His Blog has now been renamed "That's OK... (I probably wouldn't remember me either -- 100% drama guaranteed)"
::Coz::
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I still want to die. What's left in this partly untold story for me?
I should sleep. I want to sleep until it goes away. Let me sleep... until the feeling drowns itself. I'll be better, then. I want to be better, though I'll never be good enough.
I need to cry. I need a shoulder but no one is there - here.
::Coz::
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"Where we're from the birds
sing a pretty song and there's music in the air."
::Coz::
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So she's now out with "him" and talking to him about this thing. She didn't know what she was going to say, and I am very curious to see how it goes.
If my 6th sense is still working up to capacity (as it has throughout this whole ordeal) I would say he's not that bad of a guy and accepts the fact that it was a one time thing. Perhaps he didn't realize exactly what he was doing when he let it happen, and though he's disappointed, he will understand and happily oblige as long as he can still be her friend.
::Coz::
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hehehehehehehe...
::Coz::
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12.17.2000
It has been told. It has been resolved. And some how, the most beautiful woman, the most amazing woman, has proven herself yet again with forgiving my mistakes. Thank you, Niniane. You are my own personal nirvana. You are my life. Thank you for not letting it die.
::Coz::
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With all the beautiful women in the world, why did I have to fall in love with the most beautiful one? Why did she fall for me?
::Coz::
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Fuck you, Sonny.
::Coz::
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12.16.2000
RedRival sez:
Hello,
bye...
::Coz::
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I wonder if it's the Daily MIDI that scares people away....
::Coz::
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What an exhausting day! Man I was going out of my head! It was probably the busiest day of the year as of yet -- and we were short handed. God...
I hung an 8x10 printout of one of those 2 new pictures of her on the wall at work. Black mat, dark rosewood basic square frame. Looks real nice. Sticks out like a sore thumb between a few "pretty" pictures. I get to look at her all day now. Smile. Help keep me somewhat sane. It's wonderful. In 24 days... I can look into her eyes again. We'll be analog again. We'll be real again. We'll be one again.
::Coz::
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12.15.2000
I am working 11-9 tomorrow. I must get to bed.
::Coz::
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12.14.2000
Meet a customer of mine. His normal work is quite interesting -- which you'll find examples of on his site. But when he does portraits, boy does he do portraits! I thought most of them were photographs. Very nice, James.
::Coz::
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So tonight after work as we were closing up, Brooks turned and asked what I was doing tonight. "mmmm.... nothing" I said. "Do you want to go out for a drink?" "Well..... where? Will they serve me?" "Oh yeah... you're not 21. Well we could go to my house but I don't know what we could do. Eh... actually my brother's there and we'll probably fight. Hmm.. Why don't we just make a rain check." "MMmm.... okay." This, boys and girls, is what we call a pity invite. I would have gone out, but I would have talked to him about it, too.
::Coz::
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I got a bit depressed today at work. I'm being too sensitive about certain things lately and I'm not sure why. There's this guy Brooks I work with. He's around 28, I think? Though he could pass for 22. He's pretty cool. We get along well, I think. Then there's this kid, Gavin. He's 17. Nice kid. Looks like Ben Savage when he had his hair real short. Kinda seems nervous all the time. Anyway... I overheard Brooks talking to another associate and he said "wanna see Gavin drunk?" and he pulled out this packet of film with him, Gavin, and maybe others at some party Brooks threw last Friday. I walked over and said "When did THIS happen?" he explained and I sarcastically responded with "Oh, I see how it is -- and why wasn't I told about this?" He grinned while writing something in our log book... "Well, come on over on Friday..." he said almost hesitantly as he kept on writing. I didn't respond -- I walked away.
I just want people to like me. People *I* like. It rarely happens. And when I think I'm gaining some sort of friendship with someone... BOOM. I learn that I wasn't. I know, like I said, I'm being too sensitive about these things. Can't help it. I must be on the rag or something.
...I'm still looking.
::Coz::
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12.13.2000
Lookie what I did, Mommy!
::Coz::
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12.12.2000
I cannot take my eyes off of her picture page. She's so beautiful. I love her.
::Coz::
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Good night. Too tired to change the MIDI.
::Coz::
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...and so it goes. The way of the wheel. When does it stop? No one ever knows....
::Coz::
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12.11.2000
*Sigh*
Just look at these pictures of Niniane and tell me I'm not the luckiest guy in the world!
UGH!
Pic 1 -- Pic 2
::Coz::
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The night has left me once again...
My love is out with another man... but I'm not bitter!!!!!
Noooo....I'm fine with not talking to her all day while she's----- hehe lemme stop. I'm just messing around.
Have a nice night. Remember the Alamo.
::Coz::
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Dead Pool (Rated "R")
Living in a world of dead people
living for a life thats not here.
waiting for something to appear.
Why's there no intermission?
and never ask me for permission?
Open your eyes to the cracks.
Sit up, shut up.
Untie your legs from the tracks.
breathing in the smoke.
Shots rang out inside my head
just before I awoke.
Where's the curtain call?
What ever happened to the opening credits?
Someone stop the reel and light up the wall.
Something to help me get away (get away from it all)
I wonder what you would say
if I asked you to stay.
Open your eyes to the cracks.
Sit up, shut up.
Untie your legs from the tracks.
breathing in the smoke.
Shots rang out inside my head
just before I awoke.
~Coz Baldwin - 12/00
::Coz::
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12.10.2000
You know what? The web rules! I've been having trouble with java applets since my little computer breakdown -- none of them play at all. Well, finally I decided to search the web of WHY this is happening, because all my settings are correct. It was suggested that I DL a new version of Virtual Machine... so I did. And yes! I can now see what I've been missing for a couple months!!! Woo hooooo!!!!! Thank you Mr. Gore.
Please send any and all reviews to Coz20@home.com. All reviews will be posted here at CozBaldwin.com. I appreciate anything you can do. Thanks!!
::Coz::
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